This time 9 months ago, I had just stepped out of the car and hobbled into the hospital. I wanted a water birth; drugfree. I craved stillness and support. I expected a baby with a shit load of dark hair.
I got 31 hours of labour, pethidine, epidural and gas. I had little to no support apart from my midwife who's middle name I didn't know. I didn't make a sound apart from telling the beeping machine to SHUT UP; I didn't want to embarass myself or be humiliated in front of the one person who was so good at doing that to me. Once was enough that day.
You came, still and staring. Hot and wet, not moving but all arms and legs. No hair, dark eyes but not mine or anyone else's in the room. You took your time to breathe and I did the same. You were so clean... Not covered in anything but love.
It has been 9 months. You are 9 months old. That is 3/4 of 1 year. Which means I really have to get your birthday party organised. I'm not a '3pm sunday afternoon, best dressed, cake and cream' type mum... I couldn't think of anything worse. We'll see how it goes but I will be attempting to make the week one to remember for us both.
You have shaped me, Addi Faith. I was never lost in life- just never found. You found me, we found each other and I can SO so so wait for you to find everything in life... Your feet, your voice (hmmm bits of it, you've found most of it!), your talents, your love, your way...
You came, still and staring. Hot and wet, not moving but all arms and legs. No hair, dark eyes but not mine or anyone else's in the room. You took your time to breathe and I did the same. You were so clean... Not covered in anything but love.
It has been 9 months. You are 9 months old. That is 3/4 of 1 year. Which means I really have to get your birthday party organised. I'm not a '3pm sunday afternoon, best dressed, cake and cream' type mum... I couldn't think of anything worse. We'll see how it goes but I will be attempting to make the week one to remember for us both.
You have shaped me, Addi Faith. I was never lost in life- just never found. You found me, we found each other and I can SO so so wait for you to find everything in life... Your feet, your voice (hmmm bits of it, you've found most of it!), your talents, your love, your way...
The past few nights have been torture and hearing you that upset has been the worst part. Knowing I can't 'fix it' is what tears me apart. It's what unites us all as mothers- apart from those who dump their babies with other people when they 'need a break'. Real mothers don't get breaks, single, married or whatever you all are.
You are the best person in my life, Miss Noo. You give me faith that things might be 'okay' for once in my life. For 'once' people are proud of me. For once, I have a reason to wake up. For once I want to do the god damn dishes and vacuum the floors. It's not about impressing you or anyone, it's that I want you to grow up with a real mum not a half-ass one. I had a real mum and although the situation is different, we both put our babies before us.
I'm good at rambling and not so good at making sense but by god I love you. I love your fuzzy grandma hair, your bobbing strawberry ("Oh she's been in the wars!" "Yeah, in my womb.." hah), your monkey toes, your dozy smiles from the back when I say "WE'RE HOME!"... Your farts, your giggles, your big sloppy kisses... Everything.
You are the best person in my life, Miss Noo. You give me faith that things might be 'okay' for once in my life. For 'once' people are proud of me. For once, I have a reason to wake up. For once I want to do the god damn dishes and vacuum the floors. It's not about impressing you or anyone, it's that I want you to grow up with a real mum not a half-ass one. I had a real mum and although the situation is different, we both put our babies before us.
I'm good at rambling and not so good at making sense but by god I love you. I love your fuzzy grandma hair, your bobbing strawberry ("Oh she's been in the wars!" "Yeah, in my womb.." hah), your monkey toes, your dozy smiles from the back when I say "WE'RE HOME!"... Your farts, your giggles, your big sloppy kisses... Everything.
I love you unconditionally Addi, for the rest of for ever.
