Dessert

Someone asked me how happy I was now that my life has changed so much.

I tried to explain by saying;

"You know when you go out for tea, and beforehand, you're excited. You dress up for it, you anticipate it. You sort of pre-plan what you'll eat, or think of what you feel like; what will give you the least amount of bloat, what won't give you bad breath... And tea is SO GOOD, and you're so content that you'd settle for just the main course without dessert. . . Well it's like I was planning for dinner for 9 months, then dinner came, and I am SO content and happy, and every little new thing she does (like smiles) is like dessert to me. It's overwhelmingly exciting and I'm so appreciative and happy about it all.. "

The only difference with your children and dessert is that one grows up and one runs out, but either way, you've enjoyed them and savoured every little bit.

I love you Addikins.

Stuff the Atkins Diet- I'm happy with the Addikins Diet ;) !

Legs

At 11 weeks pregnant, I felt you moving, but it wasn't kicks it was just jiggles.

19 weeks, I felt you with my hands.

20 weeks, I could see you sticking out all over the show.

25 weeks, I couldn't properly capture your movements on camera and it was very cute that you were hiding but also a little bit frustrating.

30 weeks and I couldn't stop you moving if I tried. 'Loyal' by Dave Dobbyn was a big hit and it soothed you but not enough to stop you. But why would I want you to stop? I had a constant reminder of faith, hope, love and magic, only a few cm's under my hand.

35 weeks, your kicks and stretches became so violent that they tickled me out the side. I was amazed, you were head down, bum up, but still found a way to kick and elbow me out the side where your back was... Now that's magic!

40 weeks and I was so excited to see your legs and feet for the first time. Every little niggle, every spot of pain, everything; made me think that 'this was it' and my eyes would finally meet yours.

41 weeks, I felt your legs leave my body and it hit me that they would take you all over the world. They would help you, they would make you. They might break but they can be fixed. They will save you, they will get compliments from boys (AGHHH) and they will probably annoy you if they're anything like mine...

But they were once mine too, only mine to feel and giggle about with every movement...

Things That Go Pop

Addi saved her best smiles for someone who needed them; her Nan-Nan.

My mum was making noises and doing different voices to get Addi to smile, and finally she got her doing it. "BUB-by" and "POP" are big hits, also me saying "Pea-each" and "BANANA" work too.

She was screaming (oh the drama) this morning so I went in to get her, she smiled at me and looked at me as if to say "I'm not really crying I just wanted you to see this"... I picked her up and hauled her into bed with me (first time in a long time) and we fell asleep while feeding. Nice while it lasted!

I decided to cut my hair off last night- sounds drastic but really I cut the bottom layer to the same length as top layer. It's not how I want it (want it shorter and blonde) but I'm not doing it myself so will have to wait to go to the hairdresser...

Stop & Stare

There's no photo for this post because I haven't had time.

I've been too busy holding my baby with both of my hands and staring at her with both of my eyes, hugging her with both arms and loving her with all I've got.

Today she had her first lot of immunisations, it was hell.

I have never felt so guilty, sick and all around horrible. I don't know how I'm going to manage when she starts hurting herself ... I guess it's all about adjusting and adapting but far out.

Being able to settle her was quite nice though; knowing no one else could do that. Our GP (wow, ours, not just mine) said she is extremely strong for a 7week old and I always say- yes, she has been strong since day one... Honestly, I felt her moving from 11 weeks. Even though it felt like a phone on vibrate under my jumper, it was still movement. No one believed me...

Anyway, she is giving me so many smiles and talks SO much it's amazing- but no photos as I'd rather stand there and be caught in all her glory than try catch it with a camera.

Skin

For as long as I can remember; I have been addicted to touching materials. I've hunted high and low for the perfect softness, texture, thickness etc. Anyone who knows me, knows my sense of smell and touch are really the strongest of all my senses.

Finally, I have found the softest, warmest, most mouth watering thing; Addi's skin.

Holding her against me in the shower, or before her bath, I get to run my fingers over her body and it is the most amazing feeling ever- to know that, that skin was made by me.

Something so soft and beautiful, the 'thing' I have been searching for in every store for years and years; I made.

True love, true beauty... Truth, for the first time in a long time, is extremely overwhelming.

Smiles

I've turned into one of those mums who tries *everything* to get their baby to smile.

It seems majority of my friends babies are already smiling but Addi is not. Miss Serious.

I'm not jealous, nor do I feel I'm missing out on something, because I know it will come, but it's strange thinking 'was that a smile?!' whenever it happens.

Thinking about the future & how many smiles, hugs & laughs there will be, is overwhelming.

I'm so excited about everything but it's also scary because it means she'll be able to get up to the exact same things that I was doing, if she's anything like me. I don't regret anything but she is so tiny & precious...

& the big bad world is only getting bigger and badder.

Sleep

Addi is 6 weeks old today.

One of the main changes thats happened over the last 6 weeks is her sleeping pattern (or lack thereof).

Of course babies' sleep patterns change, but no one mentions that our feelings change with them!

1st week: Is she still breathing?
2nd week: Ahh bliss, I can finally get dishes done.
3rd week: PLEASE SLEEP!
4th week: wow, she's sleeping a lot, what have I been eating? *reviews diet, takes notes*
5th week: ahhh she's asleep, wait, no, I jinxed it.
6th week: staring at her whilst sleeping and quietly wanting her to wake up, because I miss her so much...

What next? It's funny how many things change, as in, it's not just her. It's me, my body, my views on things, my eating habits, my sleep... Phewph.

Addi was weighed today when Chris from Plunket came to check on her, she is now 10lb4 which is perfect and spot on the 50th percentile for 6 weeks.

I am super hungry, it's supermarket time tonight. There is next to no (edible) food in the house and I put off going shopping till I *really* have to. Oops.

I am so proud of my girl, so in love and so smitten. She does indeed have me wrapped around her finger, but I'm sure I had my parents wrapped around mine too. She's just doing her job :)

Love

I never knew it was possible to love someone so much.

I love my cat an awful lot, maybe a bit too much, and I have loved her for 17 years. Cat-love is the kind of love that just 'is', because the cat is there 24/7 and you know if you don't feed it then there will be questions to answer. Also if you don't feed it, it won't be there. You will be cat-less. And over time you start thinking that you don't really want to be cat-less because you've begun to love this cat, not just because she is cute, but because she has a personality.

She is an animal; with human-type traits. And that is even more cute, in my opinion anyway.

Long story short; Addi is a baby with animal-like traits. She just *knew* how to find milk, without being put there. She searched. And it's not like someone snuck into my womb and gave her a bottle then snuck back out; she just knew what to do.

Ofcourse all babies do; but that, I think, was one of my most proudest moments. Other 'moments of proud' include getting certificates at preschool saying that I "ate the most at lunch today" or learning how to whistle, tie my shoe laces, cross my eyes, snap my fingers, roll my tongue...

She ferrets around in my neck, and it send shivers throughout my body, feeling her snuffles against my skin and in my ears; her fingers tangled in my hair...

Kittens do it too. Sleepy little baby kitties. Which is what Addi is until she cries out of frustration (damn clothes being in the way!), and then she's a tired hungry Peach.

Peach was her nickname in the womb, because when I first saw her on the scan (and found out I was pregnant), she was just a wee peach. And it stuck.

My point to all this is that I never knew it was possible to love someone/something so much. It just doesn't compare to any other type of love, or at least none of the love I have experienced.

No one has ever needed me to survive, or really wanted me that bad. No one has cried for me, missed me, reached for me...

I remember the feeling of being so small I could fit under my mums coat outside on the step when she went out for a breather, and her smell and warmth took over my body and I just zoned out. It was so comforting for me. And when I hear Addi crying, sometimes I think, 'bugger it, she's allowed to miss me and want me, I did it and STILL do, for my mum!' so I bundle her into my dressing gown and I just do what she wants, whether its feeding her or just holding her- I am all she knows and wants, which is fine by me.

We are enough for each other. And that to me is what love is; unspoiled, raw, naked, honest and ENOUGH.

Love is enough, no matter what the skeptics say.

My name is Addi

But my full name is Addilyn Faith.

Mummy grew me all the way to 41weeks, to the day, and I weighed 8lb3oz. Which is a good size, so I heard.

I was measured and I was 52cm long. Which is also a good size; I am proud of myself for being so 'good'.

My head circumference was 37cm, mummy's friends said that was big and they 'couldn't do that', which gave mummy mixed emotions but then she realised that she *did* do it and she no longer had anything to fear.

I latched straight away and had some warm cuddles with mum after I'd scared her by not breathing for a wee while. Woopsies.

We stayed in hospital for 2 nights and that was long enough for me. I just wanted mum, and didn't like other people touching me.

My first night at home with mummy was a bit funny for both of us; so scary being out in the 'air'. I like the water far more, but only now that mum is much more confident and OKAY bathing me and showering with me on her own.

Since I was born, almost 6 weeks have passed. So, I'll let mummy take over and write all about them while I go back to sleep.

Love,
Addi.