Sort of irrelevant things

Most nights, around this time (12am), things get strange. I get hungry, wired, and I get the faintest of chills down my spine as I remember things from not that long ago.

I remember the nights in town and the stumbling home, the 2 hours of sleep and waking up spewing my guts out. I remember exes and I remember abuse. I remember abuse from a lot of places actually. I remember Westport, I remember the beach and the bodyboarding from 10am-10pm. I remember having a tan... And I remember having people around me all the time. I remember enjoying it.

I have flashbacks to primary school and I pray you never have to go through what I did. Primary, intermediate, high school, home; anywhere. I pray to every single star and anyone who can hear me, that you don't ever experience things I have. I hope that school teaches you maths, English, art and all things fun. I pray you don't get swept up in the bullying and the tears, the bruises and late nights crying and shaking over going back the next day. I trust that I will protect you from ANYONE who ever tries to hurt you, ever.

The anger I have inside me is too much to bare most days. It's locked away in me somewhere. The anger towards my 'teachers' at school and in life, the anger towards my 'friends' who were anything but, the MORON who did me over and emotionally abused me for my high school years...

I have no regrets Addi and I don't want you to have any either. They mean nothing, they just weigh you down. At nights I feel heavy because things go through my head that are locked up, things that I don't want to think about... But they are there. One day they will go, I suppose. But nonetheless, regrets are pointless. I think if I could 'go back', with knowing what I know now, I would have done things differently. Although when you are in the moment at 15 you don't have the insight of yourself 5 yrs later as a mother...

I have promised you I will hold you but I won't hold on; and that will stand as long as I do. I have promised you many things, that I know I can keep. No one has ever promised me anything and stuck with it, but I am a woman of my word.

I have trust for absolutely no one, apart from you. And even you will break it, but it won't be malicious it will be something like "Mummy told me not to tell you"; but even that makes me think I'm not the type of parent who would tell my girl not to say something...

Anyway.

You bring me joy Addi. You push that anger back further and further. You fill me to the brim with love and sugarness and sickly sweet lovey dovey feelings. Sometimes my knees go weak when I hold you and I'm scared I might bite you, just a wee nibble on the ear... Just.. a.. bit...

I did bite your cheek the other day, gently of course, but it's so god damn gorgeous. I couldn't help myself.

I've also licked your head.

Thanks for letting me vent on your page, sweetness. You have no choice in the matter but I know one day you will say "That's okay mummy".

Everything's okay.

one year

This time one year ago I was at your dads house.

I had just told him about you, after 12 hours of sheer panic and me getting used to the idea I was going to be a mum; going to be part of something bigger than me for the first time in my life.

I hid under the duvet and said "I'm not having the surgery anymore..." which I was due to have in 5 days. He said "Why not?" while he kept his gaze on the tv. I said quickly, "Because I'm pregnant."

I cried, in fear of what he was going to say or do. He told me not to cry. He then cried for four hours straight.

Part of me, well, majority of me was wondering whether I could hack the parenting gig; ever. No matter what age I was or who I was with, we always ask ourselves whether we are ready.

Some people told me I couldn't do it and that "_______'s are the hardest" and "I couldn't have done it without _______" and "it's not a walk in the park". I was relieved it wasn't a walk in the park because I didn't like walking in parks anyway, really- not at least until you came along. No one had any faith in me; but I had so much in myself and you, which is why Faith is your middle name.

I had people phoning, emailing, texting and knocking on the door trying to break me down and tell me things to change my mind. Those people even got to my real supporters and had them in doubt for a bit too- which I obviously got past.

My morning sickness lasted until 20+ weeks, and if people were coming over in the morning I'd have to say "after 10" because I was a mess/throwing up until about then. The earlier people came over, the more I was sick. Some showed sympathy, others* told me "it's what you wanted" and carried on being jerks.

I ended up being alone majority of the pregnancy, for reasons I don't want you to know about until you are old enough, but just know it hurt mummy very much. How I would have loved to have a massage, to have someone love me and you equally, to have my dinner cooked or dishes done, to have the vacuuming done or the shower cleaned... To have the rogue undies pulled out of the washing machine (I had to buy some tongs as you were in the way, and I couldn't reach in), to have my sheets changed and aired.... ANY of the above.

The first 9 months of your existence were painful-as though someone had put tar on the bottom of my shoes and rocks in my 'frontpack'- more every day. My leg hair grew like fluff instead of wires, and I got a fine 'fuzz' on my arms. Stretch marks were exciting; they were proof this was real. I grew 2cm in height, for the first time in 6 years and now have horizontal stretchies on my lower back. My feet and ankles turned into pig trotters and I couldn't find the bones. I got carpal tunnel in my wrists/arms; which meant I got pins and needles when I lay in the wrong position and they hurt a LOT. I knew all these things would end, and most did, apart from the stretchies ;)

I bought some moccasins as my feet were pretty much paddles. They no longer fit me. They would probably only fit my grandad.

I was told I couldn't do 'it'; because I don't ever stick with anything, like school or jobs (which is not true). But what parent in their right mind doesn't stick with their baby?... Really?! It's not just me, it's all parents. No one leaves their baby. No one just gives up, and I don't give up on anything I just know when to let go. The person who told me I never stick with anything obviously didn't think that through because I 'stuck with him' through a lot. So, there.

I have been all over this Earth. I have loved, and lost. I have been drunk and experimented with one type of drug. I have stolen things and put things back in the wrong place. I have cried rivers and smiled so hard it hurt. I've worn clothes too tight and too loose and my hair has been in some strange ways. I've been on a boat, a bus, a bike, a plane, rollerskates, ice skates, and I love driving. I've done things, had no regrets. I've been cut open, and I've been sewn shut. I've had my heart broken and ached for days. I live for the burnt colours of Autumn and happiness of Spring, especially now it's your birthday in Spring. I've worn high heels for weeks of my life and that is enough. I've fallen in love too easily and taken too long for recover.

I have never been kissed at midnight on the 01/01. I don't watch enough sunrises or sunsets. I haven't been kissed in the rain. I've never really been loved by a man, who knows exactly who I am and appreciates me.

My god, I've done enough. I don't yearn to drink or want to pawn you off to someone else. I miss you too much when I leave you. I can easily be a social butterfly but I don't like it, I would rather be here in case you woke. You are my life, my job, my everything. I put my all into you because I have no where else to put my energy, and I wouldn't have it/want it any other way.

There are things on my bucket list, there are a few of them up there. Nothing major, but raising a child was and IS in bold on my list. So I'm getting there. Albeit I am doing it pretty much alone but it can still be done and I get to take all the credit for you, beautiful. ;)

You are more than a line on a list, you're more than a line on a stick too and I knew that from the beginning. It is a pity no one else did but we all do now.

My noo, my shineef, my Peach, my fingwang, my fong, my fairnoosh... My baby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9-7xcfQLFs

* = idiots

First Day of Your 4th Month

... went well.

We didn't do anything fabulous today; but we did love each other. We did hold hands. You smiled at me and put up with my kisses.

You were on your tummy this afternoon and you pulled your wee knees up and your bum went into the air, you did it more than once and I got it on video. I am so proud of you. Now I can run around after you, I can learn from you and teach you things.

You are growing so fast, Addikins. You still smell amazing and your fingernails are still like bloody razors but that's okay, I'm good at cutting them down.

I wish I didn't have this vertigo. I wish I was fully 'onto it' and that I could lean down to pick you up without wanting to be sick. But this will pass.

We will do something super special when I'm better. We might go to the beach one hot day and put your wee feet in, or go to the park and let you see the ducks again, or just lay in bed and look at each other- until you start getting grumpy ;)

Today went well. Tomorrow will be just as good, and so will you be.

p.s to those who ask me if Addi's a 'good baby'- get off it. All babies are good!!! Good isn't even... ok.. not getting into this.

4 Months

Today, my precious angel, you are 4 months.

Today is no different than the days just passed, but a month ago you were 3 months... 1 month today, you will be a whole 4 weeks older.

We are going by days and weeks, months and stages. I can so easily wait for it to change to years... So easily. Don't grow too fast baby!

You will probably be eating FOOD soon and milk will be but a 'bit on the side' like our salads or mashed potato.

I know you so well, I'm learning more about you every day. You know exactly who I am but not how I work- just that I am there. Which must be a very nice feeling... I remember it.

I promised and I still do, that I will always be here for you. I promise to hold you but not hold on to you.

You are asleep and this isn't the best post of the year but there are so many months left to make up for that. We will do something fabulous today baby girl, and if its 'just getting a laugh out of you' then so be it- you light up my world.

Happy 4 months my big girl (:( eeek). I am so proud of you; of us.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello 2011

Nice to meet you 2011, I know your brother; 2010, and your sister 2009. She's a bit of a sneaky character, getting me pregnant in her final month. And 2010 is super duper sneaky for making me find out I was, the way I did. 2009 helped me move out into my first flat; alone. 2009 also taught me a lot about myself.

Well, 2010. He taught me patience, taught me pain. He taught me heartache and realisation. He taught me life lessons in romance, family, and parenting. He shaped me. He made me huge and he kept my Peach inside me until she was ripe.

He made me content and complete. For now ;).

I'm slightly suspicious that you, 2011, will shape me even more. I don't want to get 'big' (ha) again until I at least meet 2016, or until I meet Mr Right. I don't want to be heartbroken again so don't even go there big boy.

Please make sure my family are healthy and all make it to 2012. Your brother kept me and my Peach alive so you just keep at it. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours- got it?

Happy New Year everyone.

Addi is sharing my bed again tonight.

x