Someone once said...

Times like these, I'm useless with words.

Addi, forgive me again for taking over your blog.

He has broken me yet again.

So much of me wants to deny it and say that I'm fine, but really I'm not. And admitting it is the first step.

It doesn't make me less of a person, and I have to remind myself of that. I don't think less of my friends when they are heartbroken, I can't do much but relate. I can always relate.

After the quake, we were forced to spend time together which wasn't all that bad. Someone once said "Love is not finding a person to live with. Love is finding a person you can't live without." and I heard that in my head over and over, then decided to shut up and try it with him. I let him back in, for the first time since last time (October).

We had been arguing more than usual; I got angry over the lack of hugs or back massages, the falling asleep before me, the smoking, the not listening... the not knowing of our daughters routine, driving fast... small things that matter.

They were things that didn't really matter at the end of the day as long as we were both committed to each other and willing to try. The trust issue was still a huge thing but I was willing to learn to love again, slowly but surely.

Last time battered and bruised me so badly that I was sure I could never be so hurt again- I was not willing to risk it to find out though.

I healed a wee bit, in my own time. And here I am, broken and wounded like the bullied little girl I once was; like the 17,18,and 19 year old heartbroken versions of myself I have been before.

It's nothing new yet the pain is so much worse than I ever remember. I don't have the energy to be angry or to hate, so all I can do is cry. I can't even sleep!!

When I was pregnant, time went by so god damn slowly. And since Addi's been in the world it has flown by so fast. I've cried looking back at her newborn videos; her slow blinking, her croaky new voice, her liquid limbs swimming in the air... her humming when feeding... her tinyness. The things I never got a real chance to cherish because I was too busy missing him. Just like her birth; I cried over the emotional pain he caused me, not the pain she was causing me.

Life carries on, slower and faster than I'd like. It's too loud, too quiet. Too cold, too hot. Too much, too little.

When it comes down to it, my heart belongs to one person and one person only. I can't do this any more. She deserves all of me, at my best, all the time. I'm on call 24/7 and I'm useless if I'm exhausted- emotionally and physically.

As much as Addi deserves a 'proper' family- a proper family shouldn't have to be fixed and mended and cheat-proofed... It should just be. We've been broken too many times.

You know when you drop something, e.g. a piggy bank, and it breaks? You can only fix it that many times before it doesn't work- or looks awful anyway. You know when it's time to start a new one.

I think I'm trying to tell myself that everything will be alright, and it will be. It always is.

Addi's first tooth came on Sunday (March 20 2011) and it was so exciting! She can now say MUUUUM, Mum, Marm, and Muh. Before she said Boob. And Bub. And poo.well it was more 'p....oo' but it counts. I am so proud of you my wee Nooshiepants xxx

Lately

I have been thinking (a little too much) about how to write down exactly how I feel about the whole earthquake saga/s.

I think about it when I hide under my duvet, or when I eat dinner, when it's quiet time with Addi, when I'm in the shower... It's non stop thinking, and it's been this way as long as I can remember.

My house was burgled when I was 13; I came home to find my room smelt like cigarettes and that a lot of stuff had just 'gone'. There was a cigarette butt put out on the little wooden chair that my grandad (now passed) had made. The home phone was gone (seriously... it was the 'dect' phone so it couldn't have even been used without the main one), my new jeans were gone, lots of CD's, a new hoodie that was impossible to replace... Oh and a box of condoms.

I know who did it, which is the worst part. She was never seen at school again. One day not long after she'd burgled my place, I was at home sick. I heard something outside and as I opened the hall door, I saw her trying to pick the lock in the front door. She saw me and ran, as I ran just as fast to the kitchen and fell on the floor in fear. I knew she was capable of turning my life upside down, and ruining sentimental things, scaring me... violating my privacy... I knew she was bad, so even looking at her TRYING to do it again really got to me.

Long story short (yeah right), the big quakes are kind of like someone burgling your house. You come home and things are a mess, broken, 'gone'. Or, like me, you watch it happen in front of you. I can't figure out which one is worse. It's like an invisible intruder who is 'bad', just like every other burglar.

Obviously the difference between an earthquake and an intruder is that one is mother nature; and one is a dropkick. But sometimes, a lot of times lately actually, they're kinda hard to tell apart.

With each aftershock it's like watching her pick the lock. Attempting to get in just once more, to 'finish the job'. And with an evil, taunting laugh, she shakes the city as the door won't budge. She leaves but you know she'll be back. Maybe not at your house but when she finds a door that opens .....

The quakes leave a cold, dark presence. Like I said, an invisible intruder. And you don't know whether it's best to be home and protect your things, or piss right off.

Really, I have all I need in the room beside me. And no matter where I am, I think I'll always have her in a room beside me, safe, warm and protected.

Tomorrow we go home to face the music. We have no television for a week or so until the new one comes (oh did I mention we're moving next weekend?!YAY), so it's going to be a quiet/busy week packing my house up. It's been almost 2 weeks since I've slept in a house alone. The nights in Addi's dads bed were odd, but nice, in some sort of way. I've not been around people for so long... And for the last 3 nights I've slept in a bed that's not mine, in a lounge, with Addi beside me in the portacot, and dad asleep upstairs. Going back to being 'alone' will be hard, I think. Especially with no telly!!!

I'm so grateful to have a wee snuggle-puss who loves me, and parents who love me, a brother who loves me... I'm so grateful that we're all okay and that my friends are alright too.

...My glasses and bowls on the other hand....

Diary of a shaken mum, really.

For days I have been somewhat excited to write about the quake, and to get my story 'out'; not for people to compete with or relate to, but just so that it's not cooped up inside of me like everything else usually is. It's not even a story just a blub of memories mixed in with emotions, tears, shaking and nervous laughter.

22 February 2011, 12.45pm-

I had just sat down with Addi, wet hair in a foul pony tail bun concoction at a silly point on the back of my head (silly point being not low or high but 'mid' and 35-year-old-mum height), no makeup, no pants (she was hungry I didn't have time!!!) and no idea what was about to happen. Most times, I take her to the shower with me and put her in the bouncer just outside the door so she can see me and hear me in the shower (poor child), otherwise I leave her on her mat with her toys in the lounge. This time she sat in her bouncer and talked to me while I scarred her for life.

Anyway so I got out of the shower, bunged on a top and gruds... then opened a can of baked beans and ate them cold. I, too, was hungry. I made Addi's bottle and sat down to feed her when it hit.

The rumble, the house shaking and jolting, my screaming, the dust out the window from town and chimneys falling next door, the alarms, the screaming... the screaming. My Addi looking around, finally old enough to realise 'something's not right and milk can wait'. I somehow ended up on the balcony and saw that our properties' "maintenance man" was running across the road". I grabbed my phone, Addi's bottle, and of course Addi- and ran downstairs. Kicked the door open and flew outside. I cried and cried; got a hug from the maintenance man who checked the property over. I stood there and the aftershocks kept coming, as often as the neighbours fled on to the road. I finally met the girl who lives underneath my flat, and the family who live beside me- who's door had to be crow-barred open. I mustered up the courage to go back inside...

The full tin of formula was all over the floor, mixed with 3/4 of a can of baked beans. The fridge had expelled all it's food. The cupboards opened and pushed out their food, too, then shut again. It was as though the spaghetti and macaroni pasta had done something wrong and been kicked out, or put in the other room and told to 'think about what they'd done wrong'. In all seriousness, everything was everywhere. Even the clothes horse had shimmied and fallen into the crap on the floor. I still haven't cleaned out the broken bowl from the top drawer, which also has black pepper all through it.

The huge (seriously huge, no one can lift it) TV fell face forward and landed on Addi's quilt where she plays*... The bookcase with photo frames, dvds, incense and Elves, fell onto Addi's exersaucer- where she exersauce's, of course. My laptop slid off the couch and landed on my feet, I didn't even realise til I went back later on and put 2 and 2 together.

My drawers all fell open and hit my bed, broke that, which in turn broke other things. Everything, mostly, fell over in Addi's room. I took things off the walls just to be safe. I packed our bags. We waited on the road for 3-4 hours for her dad to come 'save us'- in reality he kind of did. My house had no power or water, nor did his but for some reason I needed him. He is afterall, the other half of my daughter's DNA...

So he turned up and said we were leaving the city for good ol' Ohoka, where his bosses house is, that had power and water and wasn't damaged. My dad turned up on his bike and was a bit shell-shocked to say the least. He went and checked out my place and understood I didn't feel safe there as he experienced some aftershocks while up there. We didn't have enough petrol to get to Ohoka, so ended up going to his house (for 9 days). Leaving the CBD, he decided it was a good idea to drive TOWARDS it (I guess at that point we were actually planning on leaving CHCH). I saw smoke, and fire engines, and more smoke. I saw helicopters with water buckets and heard more screaming and alarms.

We've all been in one room and it's been cramped. We've had no water, or barely any, every now and again. Power came on not long ago but all that means is that there are lights and a jug. The TV has been on but mostly for news- which is hard to watch as it's literally down the road from my house. For the first time in over 6 months I slept in his bed. It was really strange; really, really strange.

For now, Addi and I've moved in to my dads house. I don't feel safe at 'home' and am meant to be moving in 2 weeks so BRING IT ON.

This post isn't really projecting how I'm feeling, at all. It's just updating you on what's been happening.

When I can find the words; you will see them.

*did play.