7 months ago; you were a dream. You were 'too far away' yet closer than you'd ever been. You were safe, yet could be taken from me and made unsafe within seconds. The image of you I had created was a little girl with dark hair and dark eyes... I remember asking the midwife, when she saw your head, if she 'has any hair?' She said no. All of a sudden I was back to reality and realised I didn't *know* this baby I was about to meet. This baby might not greet me with big eyes and a yawn... I might get a screaming, crying, unhappy little girl.
So many thoughts and emotions go through your head when you're down to the final minutes, seconds, breaths, of labour. When it's nearly the end but only the beginning. When it's too slow, but way too fast... You want this baby to stay in there, safe, new, warm...
5.17(I think?!)pm you were placed on my chest, wet and warm, your dad cried his eyes out ... I think you and I were equally in shock. You weren't breathing but you stared at me for what seemed like for ever, you still look at me the same way. I recall saying 'oh my god' and 'is she okay?'... I rubbed you a little bit to try get you to breathe but after 31 hours of labour I was exhausted and didn't mind if someone else tried to get you to breathe. The cord connecting us was cut, you were taken off me and I begged for someone to tell me you were alright, to hear you cry, what I would've given to start and stop you from crying....
I heard you whimper and by god I wanted to jump off the bed and hold you!!! I couldn't move and so I told the nurses to bring you back, now. You were wrapped in a towel and I attempted to latch you onto me for a feed. You latched on, it wasn't perfect and we eventually (after days) got you on properly- it's a pity we weren't helped more but you were and are fine.
The last 7 months have been a rollercoaster. Not a bad one, but definitely not one I'd go on alone again. The first month or so of your life; I wish I could re-do. I wish I could watch you blink more, watch the way you move, take shorter trips out and more trips to bed, less housework and more relaxing. Fall in love all over again, but slower. I miss the 'newness' of you being a newborn, the 'is this right?' in my head every day, the 'shhh shhh shhh's at night when you've woken up startled and I've reached over to touch you...
You're so full of wonder, excitement, loudness, beauty- the list goes on. You make me laugh, you've seen me cry, you've seen me begging the skies for help and asking for answers to questions that aren't even questions- ones without beginnings or ends.
2 teeth and so many words!- "Mumumum, mamama, bububub, bababa, heather (?!), dad, dah, dududud, nan" it goes on and on and I live for more words from that gorgeous little mouth with razor sharp teefz!
I remember the nights I spent with my mum in front of the fire, with the tv on in the background, wishing the nights would link together and stay night-time for ever... a bit of chocolate... feet being massaged... falling asleep on her lap... I can't wait to share those nights with you; my wee baby girl. For now I stay awake and wait for you to wake up. I miss you when you're asleep... I spend ages trying to get you to sleep and then I wait for you to wake up- weird how mums function!
Life is so much richer now that you've made me a mum... Life is finally making sense. The skies still have a few things to answer for but they've sure made up for the last 19 (ALMOST 20!) years.
You are beautiful; never change for anyone, Noo.
