I find it easy to write about things that cause, or caused, pain. I find it harder to write about positive things because words don't seem to be enough.
It's around about every birthday (of yours) that I do a post like this- summing things up, describing who you are and where you're at, what our relationship is like...
And I usually say what I've learnt or where I'm at, too.
So I guess I'll start.
You are almost 3. That's a lot. That's 36 months- which doesn't seem a lot, at all. You have the sweetest personality- but you're picking up an attitude to match! You have a great range of vocabulary but often revert to the main words you know, when you're describing something. You find farts funny, and burps. You make my heart flutter; watching you sleep is the loveliest thing.
You asked me what baby birds eat, and instead, I asked what YOU thought they ate. You replied with "moussakka".
You ask for a bottle in the night, sometimes, and as I'm walking out you say "a big one" and then occasionally remind me to "warm it up". If it's too hot, you say "tiny one mum". Okay, baby.
You say please and thank you. You also say You're Welcome.
You can count higher than I thought you could! And you know the ABC song; some days.
Your favourite dinner is curry, and you love "butter sandwiches" (peanut butter). Yoghurt is a hot fave and also luncheon (blurgh).
Grandad, Nan and Uncle Sam are your biggest loves. Ofcourse there's also Grandma, Aunty Aimee, Sharelle and DAD! You know all our favourite colours and in the middle of the night, you rattle off all our names.
You love our cat, Weasel. It's almost reciprocated but trust needs to be regained...
I asked you if you could see the big fat blackbird on our lawn, but you replied with "AHHHH I can't see mum. My head is too tiny!". You couldn't see out the window.
You're tall, blonde and blue eyed. You're beautiful inside and out.
I can't believe you're THREE. I can't believe I've been a MUM for three years too. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that I grew you. I wanted you. I knew you before anyone else did. That I'm your mum, and you love me the way I love mine.
We have a wonderful relationship. I cherish each moment with you and always will. I remember the nights, alone, with you. I remember tucking you into my top and singing you to sleep. I remember driving you around the block to make you fall asleep too! And I remember not eating for hours on end because you needed to feed... I remember a messy house, unmade beds, an untidy bathroom- it's hard on your own with a new baby. Ill never forget the first nights at home with you once you were born. I was terrified. I would cry myself to sleep, or just cry, feeling so lonely and scared. I had BAD baby blues and no one seemed to care. It turned into postnatal depression and I'm so sorry I put us through some hard times, baby girl. I'm so sorry.
Onto the soppy stuff.
You're my best friend. One day you'll say you hate me and that I'm NOT your friend- that's okay. I'm your mum first and foremost, but I'm always here for you. I'm open-minded because of you.
Not only are you teaching me things, you're teaching me who I am.
I love who I am, and it's thanks to you.
Thank you, sweet girl, for holding on. Holding on through those horrific 10 months inside of me. I did my absolute best to protect you and I hope I did enough. You came out unscathed, you rarely cried and you were- AND ARE- happy to even be here on this earth.
Grandad always wonders why you're so happy. He looks on in delight. I have to remind him that we're MEANT to be happy! That's how we start out. That's how we "come". We come at peace, happy and content. We complain when we're not- but we always go back to our happy place eventually, or seek that place. You've got nothing to be sad or upset about, angel face. I'm doing my best to change the world around you, and to make you strong enough to deal with the fact that not everyone is the same as us.
Some people in life, won't understand you. And that's okay. You're not here, or there, or anywhere, to prove a point. You're not out to make them understand you. If you're wanting them to understand what you're saying- then you can only do your best. If you're wanting them to understand an issue- do your best.
Always do your best and then you'll have no choice but to feel content and happy with YOURSELF. You can be PROUD of yourself. Doing your 'best' and 'being your best' doesn't mean you need to exhaust yourself, baby girl. It means you are passionate. You breathe fire from your heart, and speak the words straight from your brain.
Be honest, and true. Even if it hurts. Be gentle and kind, but don't let people treat you as though you're weak. Prove them wrong, with love- I have!
You've made me someone I never thought, or knew, I could be. You've taught me so many things. Because of you, I have motivation every day. No day is a bad day, just some days aren't as great as others. You have helped me find my passion not only for what I believe in, but for LIFE.
All my life I've been let down, even when I have no expectations. But you never let me down and you never will. I'll always love you the way I did when I first met you. It's something you'll never understand, unless you have your own children- and I don't mind if you don't!
If you love men, and you want babies, then that's great. If you love women, COOL! If you want a career and not a family, that's fine! This is your life. I will support you, I will never push or pressure you. I will encourage and love you.
Grandad used to play me a song by Simply Red, when I was little. I have listened to it often over the past 3 years and here is a line of lyrics just for you:
"I don't believe in many things, but in you, I do."
And I will finish this blog post the way I finished one when you were 3 MONTHS old..
You are "a handful" my beautiful, smart, funny little girl. Which is why us mama's, we're made with two hands:)
You are 3 years and becoming more and more you every day.
My promises still stand, my arms will always be open and I will always be behind you.
You are infinitely loved.
Mummy xx
