Parenting Tips from me about the first year... (for a competition)

DISCLAIMER:
My tips for the first year of motherhood are in no particular order, nor are they shortened or perfected to sound 'nice'- they are realistic and they are how I got through my (now 13months) daughters first year. I don't think there is one 'tip' until the very end but I feel this was a bit of a therapeutic exercise so read on if you have time!

Make a birth plan. Make a backup birth plan. Be friends with both and accept that either way; your baby will come out and it is not a race or competition about who used less drugs and who screamed the loudest.

Pack blankets, pillows and snacks for hospital. The menu sounds better than it is, the pillows are plastic covered and the blankets wont smell like you (for your baby and yourself!).

I found it would have been really lovely to come home to a warm and cosy house. Write a list (BEFORE you go in to labour!) for your significant other (or your dad, in my case) to go to your house a few hours before you and baby are due home, take some food out of the freezer, turn on the heatpump, put on a lamp or two and make it as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Honestly it's a horrible feeling getting home and having to make your home feel like... well... home!

Those lasagne's, macaroni and cheese's and spaghetti bolognese were so worth the effort of making and freezing, huh?

I spent the majority of my pregnancy stocking up for baby, as one would, but I think it would have been even better if I also bought myself some treats for the weeks after birth. My babies grandma bought me some Satsuma Body Shop Scrub and the smell immediately took me to a spa on a remote island, with no babies, no milk, no sore boobs and body, and quiet. I needed it.

During pregnancy I was given advice from many people, (some of whom were not mothers, so especially don't feel you have to listen to them!) about what towels to use, what socks not to use, what nappies were around in the 20's and how on earth was I going to do this when I left school at 16?! - I know that doesn't apply to everybody but believe me, some things people bring up are so completely irrelevant it will make you laugh when you look back. If you want to tell them to shut up, then go for it, you're allowed. I am giving you permission!

Buy the books, don't read them all unless you want to have 1000 split personalities. Wait until you are sure of your parenting style; wait until you are strong enough to not be pushed over by a writer with a degree, not a family.

Try everything/don't feel bad for not 'sticking to one thing' :
Here is a list of things I am putting under the "try everything/don't feel bad for not sticking to one thing" catagory:
Wipes: If you felt uncomfortable (or baby had a reaction to) using supermarket baby wipes, then make your own. I bought some plastic containers and kept one with warm water and olive oil beside the change table; and had a big stack of muslin wipes for #1's and wiping baby's body, and also a big stack of terry/fleece wipes - both of which are easy to find on trademe, a lot of mums work from home and make these so 'us other mums' get to use them! I stopped using these about 8 months old as my daughter's eczema calmed down and her #2's had changed- enough said!
Breast Pads: I bought some from Babycity that were fleece and waterproof. Most days they did the trick but at night I had to slide folded flannels into my bra- which isn't the nicest feeling but it does work- try it if you need to!
Nappies: I stocked up on reusable's but my daughter was born JUST after the September quake and I was 'doing it alone' and could NOT stand doing more washing than I needed to, so we didn't use these for a while. I also stocked up on disposables- so I felt less pressured to use the reusable's, knowing I *had* to get through the disposables... If that makes sense... I mean, they will grow out of newborn nappies very fast, whereas OSFA reusable's- not so fast!
Bassinet/Hammock/Cot/Your Bed/Dog's Kennel*: Do what you want. What looks cosiest, what feels right, where would you want to be if you were your baby and more importantly how close do you want your snoring angel? I planned to have bub sleep with me but bought a lovely Moses Basket just 'in case' plan A didn't work. And it didn't, I woke constantly worried about if she was smothered or not breathing, I felt we were both missing out on sleep because we both moved too much... So, she went into the pillowy beautiful basket on my bed and we were still very close for a couple of months before we woke each other with our snoring. Dog's Kennel was a joke- I know sometimes it's tempting, but don't.

As far as cleaning went, I didn't really care. It was only when people would come over and offer to help with 'dishes' and 'that over there' or.... 'go have a lie down I'll sort this room out' that I got defensive and did it in 20 minutes. Nothing worse than having someone do your dishes not to your standard ;). Eventually, I found it easy to have a mass supply of chux wipes and spray bottles of everything all lined up on my laundry shelf. I also had my clothes horse in a corner, for those times that it was too much of an effort to get dressed and go hang out my washing... Or I just couldn't be bothered putting it away.


I never had postnatal depression but whatever it was, was damn close. I cried and cried (and still do?!) about everything and remember making a sort of 'milk/egg angel' on the floor when my dinner went horribly wrong. Looking back, I think I should have had more support but then at the time I didn't want it... So, go with it. Do what feels right. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to talk to someone, then find someone. If you need a shower and baby won't sleep, take them in with you- just hold off on the Satsuma body scrub.... There is always a solution, to every problem- especially when it's to do with parenting!

When it comes down to it; my one bit of advice would be to 'just go with it'. Trust your gut, if you don't trust the writers, the grandparents, the strangers on the street, the midwives... Trust yourself and your baby. Listen to your baby and your conscience. Have empathy, not guilt or frustration... And most importantly don't ever, EVER feel pressured to do what someone else says... There are one million possibilities as to why you're crying, or why your baby is crying; but there is always a solution.

We Are One

It has almost been one whole year since you entered the world. (we are talking hours away from the big O N E, here).

I find it hard to believe and don't really know where to start.

You have taught me more than school ever did, you have given me more challenges than any job I've ever had, you have shown me the way that I never would have found otherwise.

When you were just a tiny wee dot inside me; I wrote some promises to you. I am yet to break them.

The past year has taught me many things, not only from you but from the whole world around us.

Just because people have ears, doesn't mean they listen- especially you Miss Noo! Goodness me, who do you think you are being a baby and not doing what I tell you!... ;)

Some people suck. Yep they just do. And the worst part is that there is nothing you can do about it.

You can't please everyone, all the time. also- You win some, you lose some.

Mum told me long ago that she would always be proud of me if I was being my 'best self' and being true to me. These things are possible- put your heart and soul in to everything you feel deserves it; art, music, poetry, love, FOOD! Life is so much better when you do things well, not only for yourself but your loved ones too. So when I clean your room and make your dinners- I feel like I'm being my best self and then I feel my best! S'good!

I have learnt that some people just don't make sense and that it is a waste of time trying to figure out why they don't like you or why they said that or did that.. it's just silly. if you have 100 people in a room and 20 of them like you; that is more than enough. if one person likes you that is fine too, you know what they say sweetheart; quality not quantity.

I have figured out that you like swings and they make you laugh, we go to parks a lot now.

Also, I've figured out that time doesn't change anything; PEOPLE change things. You have changed me, not time! Time does nothing but age us. And some 50 year olds are just 16 year olds with wrinkles... Hmmm...

To be honest, I have learnt a lot over the past year. I could go on and on. But mostly it comes down to people being true to themselves. It is exhausting leading a life of hatred and evil but hey, that IS truth to some people... lies are truth to about 80% of the population and it is SO FRUSTRATING trying to figure people out but let them be. One thing I will try and teach you is that you can only save yourself; the rest is up to you.

This past year has been the best year of my life; and to think that it's only the FIRST of yours... it's unfathomable. I can't believe that one tiny person can change so many lives without meaning to.

I'm no longer scared of losing anyone, My Noo, as you are all I need and want. You are my life, my world, my stars... my universe.

You have taught me pain; and it's not labour or birth, it is seeing you upset.

You have taught me gratitude; there is nothing comparable to having someone cook for you/clean the dishes while heavily pregnant. Thank You doesn't cut it.

You have taught me patience; those last weeks of us as 'one' were long and painful, but so worth it.

You have taught me to 'let go' and live by my tattoo's meaning of 'let it be'. Life has never been 'in order' or easy for me, and it won't ever be, but that's just how it is. And also, the letting go part applies to your g'damn dirty knees from crawling!!! *breathe*!!!


The word 'one' is a tricky one (haha). Since day one, we have been One. We were One for 42 weeks; and the past year we have also been One. We are always One, though we are not the same.

You are so beautiful, Addi. You light up the dark and keep everyone warm. I haven't seen smiles, like the ones you get from certain members of my family, in a very long time.

My whole life has been a series of 'bad decisions' and you broke that record.

I love you.

Mama

p.s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwOErXK5Uxc

Rambles

This time 9 months ago, I had just stepped out of the car and hobbled into the hospital. I wanted a water birth; drugfree. I craved stillness and support. I expected a baby with a shit load of dark hair.

I got 31 hours of labour, pethidine, epidural and gas. I had little to no support apart from my midwife who's middle name I didn't know. I didn't make a sound apart from telling the beeping machine to SHUT UP; I didn't want to embarass myself or be humiliated in front of the one person who was so good at doing that to me. Once was enough that day.

You came, still and staring. Hot and wet, not moving but all arms and legs. No hair, dark eyes but not mine or anyone else's in the room. You took your time to breathe and I did the same. You were so clean... Not covered in anything but love.

It has been 9 months. You are 9 months old. That is 3/4 of 1 year. Which means I really have to get your birthday party organised. I'm not a '3pm sunday afternoon, best dressed, cake and cream' type mum... I couldn't think of anything worse. We'll see how it goes but I will be attempting to make the week one to remember for us both.

You have shaped me, Addi Faith. I was never lost in life- just never found. You found me, we found each other and I can SO so so wait for you to find everything in life... Your feet, your voice (hmmm bits of it, you've found most of it!), your talents, your love, your way...

The past few nights have been torture and hearing you that upset has been the worst part. Knowing I can't 'fix it' is what tears me apart. It's what unites us all as mothers- apart from those who dump their babies with other people when they 'need a break'. Real mothers don't get breaks, single, married or whatever you all are.

You are the best person in my life, Miss Noo. You give me faith that things might be 'okay' for once in my life. For 'once' people are proud of me. For once, I have a reason to wake up. For once I want to do the god damn dishes and vacuum the floors. It's not about impressing you or anyone, it's that I want you to grow up with a real mum not a half-ass one. I had a real mum and although the situation is different, we both put our babies before us.

I'm good at rambling and not so good at making sense but by god I love you. I love your fuzzy grandma hair, your bobbing strawberry ("Oh she's been in the wars!" "Yeah, in my womb.." hah), your monkey toes, your dozy smiles from the back when I say "WE'RE HOME!"... Your farts, your giggles, your big sloppy kisses... Everything.

I love you unconditionally Addi, for the rest of for ever.

In One Year..

In one year I have: (in no particular order!)

lost my sanity.

left the teens behind.

grown a baby to fullterm.

had a natural birth.

put on weight.

moved house.

experienced 2 massive earthquakes (one 4 days prior to Addi's birth, and one when she was 5 months old).

grown 3 cms.

gone up a shoe size.

fallen in love.

let go of old loves.

been loved.

learnt what love is.

learnt that babies don't know how to 'shhh','please wait 20 seconds','relax','keep still','stop kicking me'(in utero and out),'please don't, that hurts'...

learnt that the gag reflex doesn't exist if you hold your breath.

tried foods I never thought of before e.g. coco pop sandwich, coco pop milkshake, biscuit milkshake, cake and rice pudding, cheeseburger dipped in curry.... (may I add these were tried and tested in the late stages of pregnancy).

packed more bags than I ever thought possible.

stopped caring what people think of me.

started caring what people think of my parenting.

realised those who didn't support me then; now admire me.

noticed those who 'admire' me, don't know how to do more than say it.

fallen for words.

cried the hottest tears.

laughed so hard I can't breathe- at small things.

felt the worst pain in the world- & no, not childbirth.

spent too long thinking and not enough writing.

lost 'friends'.

made better friends.

laboured alone.

begged.

pleaded.

wailed.

given up....

quit.

started again.

realised what I deserve, want and need.

tried to get perfect photos of myself and my baby...and realised every photo of us is perfect.

missed who people were, even only 5 years ago.

made opportunities.

thought too long about people who don't think about me.

regained my sanity, + some.

Ramble of the day, over. Now onto Addi-

Those 2 teeth are so gorgeous and she loves having them brushed. She loves pasta bolognese and most foods minus lamb or anything strong tasting. She says mum mum mum mum whenever she feels like it and has started to sit up on her own for longer periods of time.

She tried a bit of easter egg (marshmellow) the other day and was a bit 'huh' about it... t'was all squishy, marm!

Anyway. bed time.

Listen without interrupting.
Speak without accusing.
Give without sparing.
Pray without ceasing.
Answer without arguing.
Share without pretending.
Enjoy without complaint.
Trust without wavering.
Forgive without punishing.
Promise without forgetting.

7 Months

7 months ago; you were a dream. You were 'too far away' yet closer than you'd ever been. You were safe, yet could be taken from me and made unsafe within seconds. The image of you I had created was a little girl with dark hair and dark eyes... I remember asking the midwife, when she saw your head, if she 'has any hair?' She said no. All of a sudden I was back to reality and realised I didn't *know* this baby I was about to meet. This baby might not greet me with big eyes and a yawn... I might get a screaming, crying, unhappy little girl.

So many thoughts and emotions go through your head when you're down to the final minutes, seconds, breaths, of labour. When it's nearly the end but only the beginning. When it's too slow, but way too fast... You want this baby to stay in there, safe, new, warm...

5.17(I think?!)pm you were placed on my chest, wet and warm, your dad cried his eyes out ... I think you and I were equally in shock. You weren't breathing but you stared at me for what seemed like for ever, you still look at me the same way. I recall saying 'oh my god' and 'is she okay?'... I rubbed you a little bit to try get you to breathe but after 31 hours of labour I was exhausted and didn't mind if someone else tried to get you to breathe. The cord connecting us was cut, you were taken off me and I begged for someone to tell me you were alright, to hear you cry, what I would've given to start and stop you from crying....

I heard you whimper and by god I wanted to jump off the bed and hold you!!! I couldn't move and so I told the nurses to bring you back, now. You were wrapped in a towel and I attempted to latch you onto me for a feed. You latched on, it wasn't perfect and we eventually (after days) got you on properly- it's a pity we weren't helped more but you were and are fine.

The last 7 months have been a rollercoaster. Not a bad one, but definitely not one I'd go on alone again. The first month or so of your life; I wish I could re-do. I wish I could watch you blink more, watch the way you move, take shorter trips out and more trips to bed, less housework and more relaxing. Fall in love all over again, but slower. I miss the 'newness' of you being a newborn, the 'is this right?' in my head every day, the 'shhh shhh shhh's at night when you've woken up startled and I've reached over to touch you...

You're so full of wonder, excitement, loudness, beauty- the list goes on. You make me laugh, you've seen me cry, you've seen me begging the skies for help and asking for answers to questions that aren't even questions- ones without beginnings or ends.

2 teeth and so many words!- "Mumumum, mamama, bububub, bababa, heather (?!), dad, dah, dududud, nan" it goes on and on and I live for more words from that gorgeous little mouth with razor sharp teefz!

I remember the nights I spent with my mum in front of the fire, with the tv on in the background, wishing the nights would link together and stay night-time for ever... a bit of chocolate... feet being massaged... falling asleep on her lap... I can't wait to share those nights with you; my wee baby girl. For now I stay awake and wait for you to wake up. I miss you when you're asleep... I spend ages trying to get you to sleep and then I wait for you to wake up- weird how mums function!

Life is so much richer now that you've made me a mum... Life is finally making sense. The skies still have a few things to answer for but they've sure made up for the last 19 (ALMOST 20!) years.

You are beautiful; never change for anyone, Noo.

Someone once said...

Times like these, I'm useless with words.

Addi, forgive me again for taking over your blog.

He has broken me yet again.

So much of me wants to deny it and say that I'm fine, but really I'm not. And admitting it is the first step.

It doesn't make me less of a person, and I have to remind myself of that. I don't think less of my friends when they are heartbroken, I can't do much but relate. I can always relate.

After the quake, we were forced to spend time together which wasn't all that bad. Someone once said "Love is not finding a person to live with. Love is finding a person you can't live without." and I heard that in my head over and over, then decided to shut up and try it with him. I let him back in, for the first time since last time (October).

We had been arguing more than usual; I got angry over the lack of hugs or back massages, the falling asleep before me, the smoking, the not listening... the not knowing of our daughters routine, driving fast... small things that matter.

They were things that didn't really matter at the end of the day as long as we were both committed to each other and willing to try. The trust issue was still a huge thing but I was willing to learn to love again, slowly but surely.

Last time battered and bruised me so badly that I was sure I could never be so hurt again- I was not willing to risk it to find out though.

I healed a wee bit, in my own time. And here I am, broken and wounded like the bullied little girl I once was; like the 17,18,and 19 year old heartbroken versions of myself I have been before.

It's nothing new yet the pain is so much worse than I ever remember. I don't have the energy to be angry or to hate, so all I can do is cry. I can't even sleep!!

When I was pregnant, time went by so god damn slowly. And since Addi's been in the world it has flown by so fast. I've cried looking back at her newborn videos; her slow blinking, her croaky new voice, her liquid limbs swimming in the air... her humming when feeding... her tinyness. The things I never got a real chance to cherish because I was too busy missing him. Just like her birth; I cried over the emotional pain he caused me, not the pain she was causing me.

Life carries on, slower and faster than I'd like. It's too loud, too quiet. Too cold, too hot. Too much, too little.

When it comes down to it, my heart belongs to one person and one person only. I can't do this any more. She deserves all of me, at my best, all the time. I'm on call 24/7 and I'm useless if I'm exhausted- emotionally and physically.

As much as Addi deserves a 'proper' family- a proper family shouldn't have to be fixed and mended and cheat-proofed... It should just be. We've been broken too many times.

You know when you drop something, e.g. a piggy bank, and it breaks? You can only fix it that many times before it doesn't work- or looks awful anyway. You know when it's time to start a new one.

I think I'm trying to tell myself that everything will be alright, and it will be. It always is.

Addi's first tooth came on Sunday (March 20 2011) and it was so exciting! She can now say MUUUUM, Mum, Marm, and Muh. Before she said Boob. And Bub. And poo.well it was more 'p....oo' but it counts. I am so proud of you my wee Nooshiepants xxx