"History has remembered the kings and warriors, because they destroyed; art has remembered the people, because they created." And I have to admit- this is how life has been for me- not even just lately, but always.
I think of myself as beautiful- not in this way :
But this way:
I don't have the confidence of a woman who has succeeded and been made to feel that she has; I don't have the confidence of a mother who's ego has been boosted 20 times a day... I don't have the confidence of a gym bunny... But I have the confidence of someone who has gone through hell many times, and saved herself. I have the confidence of someone who, yes, does care what people thinks but feels that she has more important things to care about.
I don't want to spend my life trying to please people but unfortunately, it's the way I am. I don't want to be 'that girl' who's seen as weak- even though I know I'm not, and I have wasted many energies trying to prove it. I don't want to be the one who gets hurt... The one who isn't appreciated... It goes on and on. But to be honest, you know the saying "I'd rather have loved and lost than never loved at all"- it's true.
Life takes away so much, any minute of any day it can do whatever the hell it wants- we have no control. That's the risk we take, putting ourselves out there. Calling that guy, telling him we like him-heck, even writing him letters trying to hold on. Trying to mend friendships... Buying affection... Life gives you no promises. You can make friends and lose them just as easily. You can spend your life saving and then the company goes belly up. You can save it for a rainy day, and the rain can wash it away... You can wait for Mr/Mrs Right and miss Mrs/Mr Right Now....
But life gives back so much, too. It takes away but it gives back. And you have to hold on for those moments... The good days that are only good because you're comparing them to the bad...
The past 3 years of my life have been really, really rough. I'm not even going to moan about it but lets just say I've been close to the edge more than once, and my limit has been pushed beyond capacity- or so I thought...
Where the hell is 'up to here'? Most days I 'have had it up to here'- but then one more thing happens; Addi throws food at me or I run out of credit on my phone when I need it most... My chicken gets cooked in the microwave on accident... The veges burn... The gravy tastes like crap... All those things that make a bad day; bad.... But we don't just disappear! "Up to here" get's higher and higher... We carry on. We hope tomorrow will be better; and 9 times out of 10 it is.
Anyway- winning stuff.
Dad once asked me how much I'd won and I said "thousands worth" and he scoffed.
Here is a list in no particular order.
2x sets of rings (value roughly $1000NZD) from a designer in USA who I have kept in touch with since....
Gold ring from Michael Hill Jeweller
A girls night at Chateau Hotel including manicure, movies, wine, breakfast
Clothes for Addi including bibs and leg warmers etc
Doll for Addi
Nailpolish from Westfield (OPI)
Nailpolish from facebook
Mascara x3
Lipstick
Lipglosses
1x HTC Chacha phone
$500 credit to www.redballoon.co.nz
Mobile from bebabo.co.nz
wooden rattle from woodentoystore.co.nz
$400 earrings from bee jewellery
necklace from bee jewellery
2x necklace (different times) from same website as rings
magazine subscription to natural parent
Doll for Addi
Nailpolish from Westfield (OPI)
Nailpolish from facebook
Mascara x3
Lipstick
Lipglosses
1x HTC Chacha phone
$500 credit to www.redballoon.co.nz
Mobile from bebabo.co.nz
wooden rattle from woodentoystore.co.nz
$400 earrings from bee jewellery
necklace from bee jewellery
2x necklace (different times) from same website as rings
magazine subscription to natural parent
mountain buggy, sleeping bag and cot from kiwifamilies.co.nz
starex toddler bed
beautifuel serum from leesscience.co.nz
dvd and vouchers from civic video
starex toddler bed
beautifuel serum from leesscience.co.nz
dvd and vouchers from civic video
countdown voucher
customised letters and envelopes
art print
bodyshop body butter
catherine tate dvd
and last night I won a new methven showerhead plus filter to help with chlorine..
The list is way longer but my butt is sore from sitting here.
Every time I have a (very) bad day... I win something. And it's not like I sit around and wait to win something- it's because I don't expect to. It's because I get pushed past that "up to here" line. e.g. locked Addi in car... won mountain buggy. next day won bed.
Another example... I had Endo surgery 2009 and checked email a few days later, won the rings for me and mum. It's that kinda thing.
It's life for me.
And to all of you who think I don't appreciate everything that comes my way- you're wrong. I cry, I shiver, I thank whoever heard me praying the night before after my awful day.
There is more to me than this body- and to the people who have hurt me (and you know who you are) and who are reading this- you are less than who you think you are. There is nothing more to you than what is there, you are exactly who people think you are and what they call you. Looking from your toes to the tip of your head- that's it.
Whereas I, I connect to the stars, the snow, the blazing heat that comes in waves... I am a part of the ocean, the sky, the universe. And I don't care how corny it sounds- if you think it's corny then you're the one missing out.
This post was a vent, but also an exercise to see how many people agree... You aren't born with confidence; you earn it. You are born beautiful but how many people stay that way? (and I'm not talking make up, I'm talking souls)... How many of you have experiences that move you to the core... that shake your heart and lungs around until you want to be sick... I feel alone in the fact that I am more than this....
Am I really alone?
The list is way longer but my butt is sore from sitting here.
Every time I have a (very) bad day... I win something. And it's not like I sit around and wait to win something- it's because I don't expect to. It's because I get pushed past that "up to here" line. e.g. locked Addi in car... won mountain buggy. next day won bed.
Another example... I had Endo surgery 2009 and checked email a few days later, won the rings for me and mum. It's that kinda thing.
It's life for me.
And to all of you who think I don't appreciate everything that comes my way- you're wrong. I cry, I shiver, I thank whoever heard me praying the night before after my awful day.
There is more to me than this body- and to the people who have hurt me (and you know who you are) and who are reading this- you are less than who you think you are. There is nothing more to you than what is there, you are exactly who people think you are and what they call you. Looking from your toes to the tip of your head- that's it.
Whereas I, I connect to the stars, the snow, the blazing heat that comes in waves... I am a part of the ocean, the sky, the universe. And I don't care how corny it sounds- if you think it's corny then you're the one missing out.
This post was a vent, but also an exercise to see how many people agree... You aren't born with confidence; you earn it. You are born beautiful but how many people stay that way? (and I'm not talking make up, I'm talking souls)... How many of you have experiences that move you to the core... that shake your heart and lungs around until you want to be sick... I feel alone in the fact that I am more than this....
Am I really alone?
