We Are One

It has almost been one whole year since you entered the world. (we are talking hours away from the big O N E, here).

I find it hard to believe and don't really know where to start.

You have taught me more than school ever did, you have given me more challenges than any job I've ever had, you have shown me the way that I never would have found otherwise.

When you were just a tiny wee dot inside me; I wrote some promises to you. I am yet to break them.

The past year has taught me many things, not only from you but from the whole world around us.

Just because people have ears, doesn't mean they listen- especially you Miss Noo! Goodness me, who do you think you are being a baby and not doing what I tell you!... ;)

Some people suck. Yep they just do. And the worst part is that there is nothing you can do about it.

You can't please everyone, all the time. also- You win some, you lose some.

Mum told me long ago that she would always be proud of me if I was being my 'best self' and being true to me. These things are possible- put your heart and soul in to everything you feel deserves it; art, music, poetry, love, FOOD! Life is so much better when you do things well, not only for yourself but your loved ones too. So when I clean your room and make your dinners- I feel like I'm being my best self and then I feel my best! S'good!

I have learnt that some people just don't make sense and that it is a waste of time trying to figure out why they don't like you or why they said that or did that.. it's just silly. if you have 100 people in a room and 20 of them like you; that is more than enough. if one person likes you that is fine too, you know what they say sweetheart; quality not quantity.

I have figured out that you like swings and they make you laugh, we go to parks a lot now.

Also, I've figured out that time doesn't change anything; PEOPLE change things. You have changed me, not time! Time does nothing but age us. And some 50 year olds are just 16 year olds with wrinkles... Hmmm...

To be honest, I have learnt a lot over the past year. I could go on and on. But mostly it comes down to people being true to themselves. It is exhausting leading a life of hatred and evil but hey, that IS truth to some people... lies are truth to about 80% of the population and it is SO FRUSTRATING trying to figure people out but let them be. One thing I will try and teach you is that you can only save yourself; the rest is up to you.

This past year has been the best year of my life; and to think that it's only the FIRST of yours... it's unfathomable. I can't believe that one tiny person can change so many lives without meaning to.

I'm no longer scared of losing anyone, My Noo, as you are all I need and want. You are my life, my world, my stars... my universe.

You have taught me pain; and it's not labour or birth, it is seeing you upset.

You have taught me gratitude; there is nothing comparable to having someone cook for you/clean the dishes while heavily pregnant. Thank You doesn't cut it.

You have taught me patience; those last weeks of us as 'one' were long and painful, but so worth it.

You have taught me to 'let go' and live by my tattoo's meaning of 'let it be'. Life has never been 'in order' or easy for me, and it won't ever be, but that's just how it is. And also, the letting go part applies to your g'damn dirty knees from crawling!!! *breathe*!!!


The word 'one' is a tricky one (haha). Since day one, we have been One. We were One for 42 weeks; and the past year we have also been One. We are always One, though we are not the same.

You are so beautiful, Addi. You light up the dark and keep everyone warm. I haven't seen smiles, like the ones you get from certain members of my family, in a very long time.

My whole life has been a series of 'bad decisions' and you broke that record.

I love you.

Mama

p.s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwOErXK5Uxc

Rambles

This time 9 months ago, I had just stepped out of the car and hobbled into the hospital. I wanted a water birth; drugfree. I craved stillness and support. I expected a baby with a shit load of dark hair.

I got 31 hours of labour, pethidine, epidural and gas. I had little to no support apart from my midwife who's middle name I didn't know. I didn't make a sound apart from telling the beeping machine to SHUT UP; I didn't want to embarass myself or be humiliated in front of the one person who was so good at doing that to me. Once was enough that day.

You came, still and staring. Hot and wet, not moving but all arms and legs. No hair, dark eyes but not mine or anyone else's in the room. You took your time to breathe and I did the same. You were so clean... Not covered in anything but love.

It has been 9 months. You are 9 months old. That is 3/4 of 1 year. Which means I really have to get your birthday party organised. I'm not a '3pm sunday afternoon, best dressed, cake and cream' type mum... I couldn't think of anything worse. We'll see how it goes but I will be attempting to make the week one to remember for us both.

You have shaped me, Addi Faith. I was never lost in life- just never found. You found me, we found each other and I can SO so so wait for you to find everything in life... Your feet, your voice (hmmm bits of it, you've found most of it!), your talents, your love, your way...

The past few nights have been torture and hearing you that upset has been the worst part. Knowing I can't 'fix it' is what tears me apart. It's what unites us all as mothers- apart from those who dump their babies with other people when they 'need a break'. Real mothers don't get breaks, single, married or whatever you all are.

You are the best person in my life, Miss Noo. You give me faith that things might be 'okay' for once in my life. For 'once' people are proud of me. For once, I have a reason to wake up. For once I want to do the god damn dishes and vacuum the floors. It's not about impressing you or anyone, it's that I want you to grow up with a real mum not a half-ass one. I had a real mum and although the situation is different, we both put our babies before us.

I'm good at rambling and not so good at making sense but by god I love you. I love your fuzzy grandma hair, your bobbing strawberry ("Oh she's been in the wars!" "Yeah, in my womb.." hah), your monkey toes, your dozy smiles from the back when I say "WE'RE HOME!"... Your farts, your giggles, your big sloppy kisses... Everything.

I love you unconditionally Addi, for the rest of for ever.

In One Year..

In one year I have: (in no particular order!)

lost my sanity.

left the teens behind.

grown a baby to fullterm.

had a natural birth.

put on weight.

moved house.

experienced 2 massive earthquakes (one 4 days prior to Addi's birth, and one when she was 5 months old).

grown 3 cms.

gone up a shoe size.

fallen in love.

let go of old loves.

been loved.

learnt what love is.

learnt that babies don't know how to 'shhh','please wait 20 seconds','relax','keep still','stop kicking me'(in utero and out),'please don't, that hurts'...

learnt that the gag reflex doesn't exist if you hold your breath.

tried foods I never thought of before e.g. coco pop sandwich, coco pop milkshake, biscuit milkshake, cake and rice pudding, cheeseburger dipped in curry.... (may I add these were tried and tested in the late stages of pregnancy).

packed more bags than I ever thought possible.

stopped caring what people think of me.

started caring what people think of my parenting.

realised those who didn't support me then; now admire me.

noticed those who 'admire' me, don't know how to do more than say it.

fallen for words.

cried the hottest tears.

laughed so hard I can't breathe- at small things.

felt the worst pain in the world- & no, not childbirth.

spent too long thinking and not enough writing.

lost 'friends'.

made better friends.

laboured alone.

begged.

pleaded.

wailed.

given up....

quit.

started again.

realised what I deserve, want and need.

tried to get perfect photos of myself and my baby...and realised every photo of us is perfect.

missed who people were, even only 5 years ago.

made opportunities.

thought too long about people who don't think about me.

regained my sanity, + some.

Ramble of the day, over. Now onto Addi-

Those 2 teeth are so gorgeous and she loves having them brushed. She loves pasta bolognese and most foods minus lamb or anything strong tasting. She says mum mum mum mum whenever she feels like it and has started to sit up on her own for longer periods of time.

She tried a bit of easter egg (marshmellow) the other day and was a bit 'huh' about it... t'was all squishy, marm!

Anyway. bed time.

Listen without interrupting.
Speak without accusing.
Give without sparing.
Pray without ceasing.
Answer without arguing.
Share without pretending.
Enjoy without complaint.
Trust without wavering.
Forgive without punishing.
Promise without forgetting.

7 Months

7 months ago; you were a dream. You were 'too far away' yet closer than you'd ever been. You were safe, yet could be taken from me and made unsafe within seconds. The image of you I had created was a little girl with dark hair and dark eyes... I remember asking the midwife, when she saw your head, if she 'has any hair?' She said no. All of a sudden I was back to reality and realised I didn't *know* this baby I was about to meet. This baby might not greet me with big eyes and a yawn... I might get a screaming, crying, unhappy little girl.

So many thoughts and emotions go through your head when you're down to the final minutes, seconds, breaths, of labour. When it's nearly the end but only the beginning. When it's too slow, but way too fast... You want this baby to stay in there, safe, new, warm...

5.17(I think?!)pm you were placed on my chest, wet and warm, your dad cried his eyes out ... I think you and I were equally in shock. You weren't breathing but you stared at me for what seemed like for ever, you still look at me the same way. I recall saying 'oh my god' and 'is she okay?'... I rubbed you a little bit to try get you to breathe but after 31 hours of labour I was exhausted and didn't mind if someone else tried to get you to breathe. The cord connecting us was cut, you were taken off me and I begged for someone to tell me you were alright, to hear you cry, what I would've given to start and stop you from crying....

I heard you whimper and by god I wanted to jump off the bed and hold you!!! I couldn't move and so I told the nurses to bring you back, now. You were wrapped in a towel and I attempted to latch you onto me for a feed. You latched on, it wasn't perfect and we eventually (after days) got you on properly- it's a pity we weren't helped more but you were and are fine.

The last 7 months have been a rollercoaster. Not a bad one, but definitely not one I'd go on alone again. The first month or so of your life; I wish I could re-do. I wish I could watch you blink more, watch the way you move, take shorter trips out and more trips to bed, less housework and more relaxing. Fall in love all over again, but slower. I miss the 'newness' of you being a newborn, the 'is this right?' in my head every day, the 'shhh shhh shhh's at night when you've woken up startled and I've reached over to touch you...

You're so full of wonder, excitement, loudness, beauty- the list goes on. You make me laugh, you've seen me cry, you've seen me begging the skies for help and asking for answers to questions that aren't even questions- ones without beginnings or ends.

2 teeth and so many words!- "Mumumum, mamama, bububub, bababa, heather (?!), dad, dah, dududud, nan" it goes on and on and I live for more words from that gorgeous little mouth with razor sharp teefz!

I remember the nights I spent with my mum in front of the fire, with the tv on in the background, wishing the nights would link together and stay night-time for ever... a bit of chocolate... feet being massaged... falling asleep on her lap... I can't wait to share those nights with you; my wee baby girl. For now I stay awake and wait for you to wake up. I miss you when you're asleep... I spend ages trying to get you to sleep and then I wait for you to wake up- weird how mums function!

Life is so much richer now that you've made me a mum... Life is finally making sense. The skies still have a few things to answer for but they've sure made up for the last 19 (ALMOST 20!) years.

You are beautiful; never change for anyone, Noo.

Someone once said...

Times like these, I'm useless with words.

Addi, forgive me again for taking over your blog.

He has broken me yet again.

So much of me wants to deny it and say that I'm fine, but really I'm not. And admitting it is the first step.

It doesn't make me less of a person, and I have to remind myself of that. I don't think less of my friends when they are heartbroken, I can't do much but relate. I can always relate.

After the quake, we were forced to spend time together which wasn't all that bad. Someone once said "Love is not finding a person to live with. Love is finding a person you can't live without." and I heard that in my head over and over, then decided to shut up and try it with him. I let him back in, for the first time since last time (October).

We had been arguing more than usual; I got angry over the lack of hugs or back massages, the falling asleep before me, the smoking, the not listening... the not knowing of our daughters routine, driving fast... small things that matter.

They were things that didn't really matter at the end of the day as long as we were both committed to each other and willing to try. The trust issue was still a huge thing but I was willing to learn to love again, slowly but surely.

Last time battered and bruised me so badly that I was sure I could never be so hurt again- I was not willing to risk it to find out though.

I healed a wee bit, in my own time. And here I am, broken and wounded like the bullied little girl I once was; like the 17,18,and 19 year old heartbroken versions of myself I have been before.

It's nothing new yet the pain is so much worse than I ever remember. I don't have the energy to be angry or to hate, so all I can do is cry. I can't even sleep!!

When I was pregnant, time went by so god damn slowly. And since Addi's been in the world it has flown by so fast. I've cried looking back at her newborn videos; her slow blinking, her croaky new voice, her liquid limbs swimming in the air... her humming when feeding... her tinyness. The things I never got a real chance to cherish because I was too busy missing him. Just like her birth; I cried over the emotional pain he caused me, not the pain she was causing me.

Life carries on, slower and faster than I'd like. It's too loud, too quiet. Too cold, too hot. Too much, too little.

When it comes down to it, my heart belongs to one person and one person only. I can't do this any more. She deserves all of me, at my best, all the time. I'm on call 24/7 and I'm useless if I'm exhausted- emotionally and physically.

As much as Addi deserves a 'proper' family- a proper family shouldn't have to be fixed and mended and cheat-proofed... It should just be. We've been broken too many times.

You know when you drop something, e.g. a piggy bank, and it breaks? You can only fix it that many times before it doesn't work- or looks awful anyway. You know when it's time to start a new one.

I think I'm trying to tell myself that everything will be alright, and it will be. It always is.

Addi's first tooth came on Sunday (March 20 2011) and it was so exciting! She can now say MUUUUM, Mum, Marm, and Muh. Before she said Boob. And Bub. And poo.well it was more 'p....oo' but it counts. I am so proud of you my wee Nooshiepants xxx

Lately

I have been thinking (a little too much) about how to write down exactly how I feel about the whole earthquake saga/s.

I think about it when I hide under my duvet, or when I eat dinner, when it's quiet time with Addi, when I'm in the shower... It's non stop thinking, and it's been this way as long as I can remember.

My house was burgled when I was 13; I came home to find my room smelt like cigarettes and that a lot of stuff had just 'gone'. There was a cigarette butt put out on the little wooden chair that my grandad (now passed) had made. The home phone was gone (seriously... it was the 'dect' phone so it couldn't have even been used without the main one), my new jeans were gone, lots of CD's, a new hoodie that was impossible to replace... Oh and a box of condoms.

I know who did it, which is the worst part. She was never seen at school again. One day not long after she'd burgled my place, I was at home sick. I heard something outside and as I opened the hall door, I saw her trying to pick the lock in the front door. She saw me and ran, as I ran just as fast to the kitchen and fell on the floor in fear. I knew she was capable of turning my life upside down, and ruining sentimental things, scaring me... violating my privacy... I knew she was bad, so even looking at her TRYING to do it again really got to me.

Long story short (yeah right), the big quakes are kind of like someone burgling your house. You come home and things are a mess, broken, 'gone'. Or, like me, you watch it happen in front of you. I can't figure out which one is worse. It's like an invisible intruder who is 'bad', just like every other burglar.

Obviously the difference between an earthquake and an intruder is that one is mother nature; and one is a dropkick. But sometimes, a lot of times lately actually, they're kinda hard to tell apart.

With each aftershock it's like watching her pick the lock. Attempting to get in just once more, to 'finish the job'. And with an evil, taunting laugh, she shakes the city as the door won't budge. She leaves but you know she'll be back. Maybe not at your house but when she finds a door that opens .....

The quakes leave a cold, dark presence. Like I said, an invisible intruder. And you don't know whether it's best to be home and protect your things, or piss right off.

Really, I have all I need in the room beside me. And no matter where I am, I think I'll always have her in a room beside me, safe, warm and protected.

Tomorrow we go home to face the music. We have no television for a week or so until the new one comes (oh did I mention we're moving next weekend?!YAY), so it's going to be a quiet/busy week packing my house up. It's been almost 2 weeks since I've slept in a house alone. The nights in Addi's dads bed were odd, but nice, in some sort of way. I've not been around people for so long... And for the last 3 nights I've slept in a bed that's not mine, in a lounge, with Addi beside me in the portacot, and dad asleep upstairs. Going back to being 'alone' will be hard, I think. Especially with no telly!!!

I'm so grateful to have a wee snuggle-puss who loves me, and parents who love me, a brother who loves me... I'm so grateful that we're all okay and that my friends are alright too.

...My glasses and bowls on the other hand....