In One Year..

In one year I have: (in no particular order!)

lost my sanity.

left the teens behind.

grown a baby to fullterm.

had a natural birth.

put on weight.

moved house.

experienced 2 massive earthquakes (one 4 days prior to Addi's birth, and one when she was 5 months old).

grown 3 cms.

gone up a shoe size.

fallen in love.

let go of old loves.

been loved.

learnt what love is.

learnt that babies don't know how to 'shhh','please wait 20 seconds','relax','keep still','stop kicking me'(in utero and out),'please don't, that hurts'...

learnt that the gag reflex doesn't exist if you hold your breath.

tried foods I never thought of before e.g. coco pop sandwich, coco pop milkshake, biscuit milkshake, cake and rice pudding, cheeseburger dipped in curry.... (may I add these were tried and tested in the late stages of pregnancy).

packed more bags than I ever thought possible.

stopped caring what people think of me.

started caring what people think of my parenting.

realised those who didn't support me then; now admire me.

noticed those who 'admire' me, don't know how to do more than say it.

fallen for words.

cried the hottest tears.

laughed so hard I can't breathe- at small things.

felt the worst pain in the world- & no, not childbirth.

spent too long thinking and not enough writing.

lost 'friends'.

made better friends.

laboured alone.

begged.

pleaded.

wailed.

given up....

quit.

started again.

realised what I deserve, want and need.

tried to get perfect photos of myself and my baby...and realised every photo of us is perfect.

missed who people were, even only 5 years ago.

made opportunities.

thought too long about people who don't think about me.

regained my sanity, + some.

Ramble of the day, over. Now onto Addi-

Those 2 teeth are so gorgeous and she loves having them brushed. She loves pasta bolognese and most foods minus lamb or anything strong tasting. She says mum mum mum mum whenever she feels like it and has started to sit up on her own for longer periods of time.

She tried a bit of easter egg (marshmellow) the other day and was a bit 'huh' about it... t'was all squishy, marm!

Anyway. bed time.

Listen without interrupting.
Speak without accusing.
Give without sparing.
Pray without ceasing.
Answer without arguing.
Share without pretending.
Enjoy without complaint.
Trust without wavering.
Forgive without punishing.
Promise without forgetting.

7 Months

7 months ago; you were a dream. You were 'too far away' yet closer than you'd ever been. You were safe, yet could be taken from me and made unsafe within seconds. The image of you I had created was a little girl with dark hair and dark eyes... I remember asking the midwife, when she saw your head, if she 'has any hair?' She said no. All of a sudden I was back to reality and realised I didn't *know* this baby I was about to meet. This baby might not greet me with big eyes and a yawn... I might get a screaming, crying, unhappy little girl.

So many thoughts and emotions go through your head when you're down to the final minutes, seconds, breaths, of labour. When it's nearly the end but only the beginning. When it's too slow, but way too fast... You want this baby to stay in there, safe, new, warm...

5.17(I think?!)pm you were placed on my chest, wet and warm, your dad cried his eyes out ... I think you and I were equally in shock. You weren't breathing but you stared at me for what seemed like for ever, you still look at me the same way. I recall saying 'oh my god' and 'is she okay?'... I rubbed you a little bit to try get you to breathe but after 31 hours of labour I was exhausted and didn't mind if someone else tried to get you to breathe. The cord connecting us was cut, you were taken off me and I begged for someone to tell me you were alright, to hear you cry, what I would've given to start and stop you from crying....

I heard you whimper and by god I wanted to jump off the bed and hold you!!! I couldn't move and so I told the nurses to bring you back, now. You were wrapped in a towel and I attempted to latch you onto me for a feed. You latched on, it wasn't perfect and we eventually (after days) got you on properly- it's a pity we weren't helped more but you were and are fine.

The last 7 months have been a rollercoaster. Not a bad one, but definitely not one I'd go on alone again. The first month or so of your life; I wish I could re-do. I wish I could watch you blink more, watch the way you move, take shorter trips out and more trips to bed, less housework and more relaxing. Fall in love all over again, but slower. I miss the 'newness' of you being a newborn, the 'is this right?' in my head every day, the 'shhh shhh shhh's at night when you've woken up startled and I've reached over to touch you...

You're so full of wonder, excitement, loudness, beauty- the list goes on. You make me laugh, you've seen me cry, you've seen me begging the skies for help and asking for answers to questions that aren't even questions- ones without beginnings or ends.

2 teeth and so many words!- "Mumumum, mamama, bububub, bababa, heather (?!), dad, dah, dududud, nan" it goes on and on and I live for more words from that gorgeous little mouth with razor sharp teefz!

I remember the nights I spent with my mum in front of the fire, with the tv on in the background, wishing the nights would link together and stay night-time for ever... a bit of chocolate... feet being massaged... falling asleep on her lap... I can't wait to share those nights with you; my wee baby girl. For now I stay awake and wait for you to wake up. I miss you when you're asleep... I spend ages trying to get you to sleep and then I wait for you to wake up- weird how mums function!

Life is so much richer now that you've made me a mum... Life is finally making sense. The skies still have a few things to answer for but they've sure made up for the last 19 (ALMOST 20!) years.

You are beautiful; never change for anyone, Noo.

Someone once said...

Times like these, I'm useless with words.

Addi, forgive me again for taking over your blog.

He has broken me yet again.

So much of me wants to deny it and say that I'm fine, but really I'm not. And admitting it is the first step.

It doesn't make me less of a person, and I have to remind myself of that. I don't think less of my friends when they are heartbroken, I can't do much but relate. I can always relate.

After the quake, we were forced to spend time together which wasn't all that bad. Someone once said "Love is not finding a person to live with. Love is finding a person you can't live without." and I heard that in my head over and over, then decided to shut up and try it with him. I let him back in, for the first time since last time (October).

We had been arguing more than usual; I got angry over the lack of hugs or back massages, the falling asleep before me, the smoking, the not listening... the not knowing of our daughters routine, driving fast... small things that matter.

They were things that didn't really matter at the end of the day as long as we were both committed to each other and willing to try. The trust issue was still a huge thing but I was willing to learn to love again, slowly but surely.

Last time battered and bruised me so badly that I was sure I could never be so hurt again- I was not willing to risk it to find out though.

I healed a wee bit, in my own time. And here I am, broken and wounded like the bullied little girl I once was; like the 17,18,and 19 year old heartbroken versions of myself I have been before.

It's nothing new yet the pain is so much worse than I ever remember. I don't have the energy to be angry or to hate, so all I can do is cry. I can't even sleep!!

When I was pregnant, time went by so god damn slowly. And since Addi's been in the world it has flown by so fast. I've cried looking back at her newborn videos; her slow blinking, her croaky new voice, her liquid limbs swimming in the air... her humming when feeding... her tinyness. The things I never got a real chance to cherish because I was too busy missing him. Just like her birth; I cried over the emotional pain he caused me, not the pain she was causing me.

Life carries on, slower and faster than I'd like. It's too loud, too quiet. Too cold, too hot. Too much, too little.

When it comes down to it, my heart belongs to one person and one person only. I can't do this any more. She deserves all of me, at my best, all the time. I'm on call 24/7 and I'm useless if I'm exhausted- emotionally and physically.

As much as Addi deserves a 'proper' family- a proper family shouldn't have to be fixed and mended and cheat-proofed... It should just be. We've been broken too many times.

You know when you drop something, e.g. a piggy bank, and it breaks? You can only fix it that many times before it doesn't work- or looks awful anyway. You know when it's time to start a new one.

I think I'm trying to tell myself that everything will be alright, and it will be. It always is.

Addi's first tooth came on Sunday (March 20 2011) and it was so exciting! She can now say MUUUUM, Mum, Marm, and Muh. Before she said Boob. And Bub. And poo.well it was more 'p....oo' but it counts. I am so proud of you my wee Nooshiepants xxx

Lately

I have been thinking (a little too much) about how to write down exactly how I feel about the whole earthquake saga/s.

I think about it when I hide under my duvet, or when I eat dinner, when it's quiet time with Addi, when I'm in the shower... It's non stop thinking, and it's been this way as long as I can remember.

My house was burgled when I was 13; I came home to find my room smelt like cigarettes and that a lot of stuff had just 'gone'. There was a cigarette butt put out on the little wooden chair that my grandad (now passed) had made. The home phone was gone (seriously... it was the 'dect' phone so it couldn't have even been used without the main one), my new jeans were gone, lots of CD's, a new hoodie that was impossible to replace... Oh and a box of condoms.

I know who did it, which is the worst part. She was never seen at school again. One day not long after she'd burgled my place, I was at home sick. I heard something outside and as I opened the hall door, I saw her trying to pick the lock in the front door. She saw me and ran, as I ran just as fast to the kitchen and fell on the floor in fear. I knew she was capable of turning my life upside down, and ruining sentimental things, scaring me... violating my privacy... I knew she was bad, so even looking at her TRYING to do it again really got to me.

Long story short (yeah right), the big quakes are kind of like someone burgling your house. You come home and things are a mess, broken, 'gone'. Or, like me, you watch it happen in front of you. I can't figure out which one is worse. It's like an invisible intruder who is 'bad', just like every other burglar.

Obviously the difference between an earthquake and an intruder is that one is mother nature; and one is a dropkick. But sometimes, a lot of times lately actually, they're kinda hard to tell apart.

With each aftershock it's like watching her pick the lock. Attempting to get in just once more, to 'finish the job'. And with an evil, taunting laugh, she shakes the city as the door won't budge. She leaves but you know she'll be back. Maybe not at your house but when she finds a door that opens .....

The quakes leave a cold, dark presence. Like I said, an invisible intruder. And you don't know whether it's best to be home and protect your things, or piss right off.

Really, I have all I need in the room beside me. And no matter where I am, I think I'll always have her in a room beside me, safe, warm and protected.

Tomorrow we go home to face the music. We have no television for a week or so until the new one comes (oh did I mention we're moving next weekend?!YAY), so it's going to be a quiet/busy week packing my house up. It's been almost 2 weeks since I've slept in a house alone. The nights in Addi's dads bed were odd, but nice, in some sort of way. I've not been around people for so long... And for the last 3 nights I've slept in a bed that's not mine, in a lounge, with Addi beside me in the portacot, and dad asleep upstairs. Going back to being 'alone' will be hard, I think. Especially with no telly!!!

I'm so grateful to have a wee snuggle-puss who loves me, and parents who love me, a brother who loves me... I'm so grateful that we're all okay and that my friends are alright too.

...My glasses and bowls on the other hand....

Diary of a shaken mum, really.

For days I have been somewhat excited to write about the quake, and to get my story 'out'; not for people to compete with or relate to, but just so that it's not cooped up inside of me like everything else usually is. It's not even a story just a blub of memories mixed in with emotions, tears, shaking and nervous laughter.

22 February 2011, 12.45pm-

I had just sat down with Addi, wet hair in a foul pony tail bun concoction at a silly point on the back of my head (silly point being not low or high but 'mid' and 35-year-old-mum height), no makeup, no pants (she was hungry I didn't have time!!!) and no idea what was about to happen. Most times, I take her to the shower with me and put her in the bouncer just outside the door so she can see me and hear me in the shower (poor child), otherwise I leave her on her mat with her toys in the lounge. This time she sat in her bouncer and talked to me while I scarred her for life.

Anyway so I got out of the shower, bunged on a top and gruds... then opened a can of baked beans and ate them cold. I, too, was hungry. I made Addi's bottle and sat down to feed her when it hit.

The rumble, the house shaking and jolting, my screaming, the dust out the window from town and chimneys falling next door, the alarms, the screaming... the screaming. My Addi looking around, finally old enough to realise 'something's not right and milk can wait'. I somehow ended up on the balcony and saw that our properties' "maintenance man" was running across the road". I grabbed my phone, Addi's bottle, and of course Addi- and ran downstairs. Kicked the door open and flew outside. I cried and cried; got a hug from the maintenance man who checked the property over. I stood there and the aftershocks kept coming, as often as the neighbours fled on to the road. I finally met the girl who lives underneath my flat, and the family who live beside me- who's door had to be crow-barred open. I mustered up the courage to go back inside...

The full tin of formula was all over the floor, mixed with 3/4 of a can of baked beans. The fridge had expelled all it's food. The cupboards opened and pushed out their food, too, then shut again. It was as though the spaghetti and macaroni pasta had done something wrong and been kicked out, or put in the other room and told to 'think about what they'd done wrong'. In all seriousness, everything was everywhere. Even the clothes horse had shimmied and fallen into the crap on the floor. I still haven't cleaned out the broken bowl from the top drawer, which also has black pepper all through it.

The huge (seriously huge, no one can lift it) TV fell face forward and landed on Addi's quilt where she plays*... The bookcase with photo frames, dvds, incense and Elves, fell onto Addi's exersaucer- where she exersauce's, of course. My laptop slid off the couch and landed on my feet, I didn't even realise til I went back later on and put 2 and 2 together.

My drawers all fell open and hit my bed, broke that, which in turn broke other things. Everything, mostly, fell over in Addi's room. I took things off the walls just to be safe. I packed our bags. We waited on the road for 3-4 hours for her dad to come 'save us'- in reality he kind of did. My house had no power or water, nor did his but for some reason I needed him. He is afterall, the other half of my daughter's DNA...

So he turned up and said we were leaving the city for good ol' Ohoka, where his bosses house is, that had power and water and wasn't damaged. My dad turned up on his bike and was a bit shell-shocked to say the least. He went and checked out my place and understood I didn't feel safe there as he experienced some aftershocks while up there. We didn't have enough petrol to get to Ohoka, so ended up going to his house (for 9 days). Leaving the CBD, he decided it was a good idea to drive TOWARDS it (I guess at that point we were actually planning on leaving CHCH). I saw smoke, and fire engines, and more smoke. I saw helicopters with water buckets and heard more screaming and alarms.

We've all been in one room and it's been cramped. We've had no water, or barely any, every now and again. Power came on not long ago but all that means is that there are lights and a jug. The TV has been on but mostly for news- which is hard to watch as it's literally down the road from my house. For the first time in over 6 months I slept in his bed. It was really strange; really, really strange.

For now, Addi and I've moved in to my dads house. I don't feel safe at 'home' and am meant to be moving in 2 weeks so BRING IT ON.

This post isn't really projecting how I'm feeling, at all. It's just updating you on what's been happening.

When I can find the words; you will see them.

*did play.

Shivers

At night, in the silence, I pitter patter into miss Addi's room to watch her sleep. Just after I've brushed my teeth, washed my face and put my jarmies on; I watch. I get shivers and it's like Christmas Mornings in the 90's, all over again.

I love when she wakes up in the morning, all "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and smiley. I love unwrapping her and watching her face go all funky, her arms go above her head, her toes point at me.

I kind of love how the pants that once seemed 'waaaay too big' are now snug (on her, AND I... errr haha), and the tops that were once worn as dresses are now just tops.

I don't love the scratching and my constant "DON'T SCRATCH" comments.

I hate that her dad is missing out. I also hate that one day I'll be blamed.

I love the excitement of moving house, to just around the corner but to somewhere so different. I can't wait to bathe with her and watch her swim and get water over everything, to watch her crawl on the grass... Ahhh it's all happening so fast.

Addi is now 23 (I think?!) weeks and is saying Nannan and Mumma although who knows if she knows what they mean. Either way I think they sound so beautiful.

Oh my girl. I hope one day you feel this way, about a boy, a baby, a cat, anything. It's the best. xxx