Diary of a shaken mum, really.

For days I have been somewhat excited to write about the quake, and to get my story 'out'; not for people to compete with or relate to, but just so that it's not cooped up inside of me like everything else usually is. It's not even a story just a blub of memories mixed in with emotions, tears, shaking and nervous laughter.

22 February 2011, 12.45pm-

I had just sat down with Addi, wet hair in a foul pony tail bun concoction at a silly point on the back of my head (silly point being not low or high but 'mid' and 35-year-old-mum height), no makeup, no pants (she was hungry I didn't have time!!!) and no idea what was about to happen. Most times, I take her to the shower with me and put her in the bouncer just outside the door so she can see me and hear me in the shower (poor child), otherwise I leave her on her mat with her toys in the lounge. This time she sat in her bouncer and talked to me while I scarred her for life.

Anyway so I got out of the shower, bunged on a top and gruds... then opened a can of baked beans and ate them cold. I, too, was hungry. I made Addi's bottle and sat down to feed her when it hit.

The rumble, the house shaking and jolting, my screaming, the dust out the window from town and chimneys falling next door, the alarms, the screaming... the screaming. My Addi looking around, finally old enough to realise 'something's not right and milk can wait'. I somehow ended up on the balcony and saw that our properties' "maintenance man" was running across the road". I grabbed my phone, Addi's bottle, and of course Addi- and ran downstairs. Kicked the door open and flew outside. I cried and cried; got a hug from the maintenance man who checked the property over. I stood there and the aftershocks kept coming, as often as the neighbours fled on to the road. I finally met the girl who lives underneath my flat, and the family who live beside me- who's door had to be crow-barred open. I mustered up the courage to go back inside...

The full tin of formula was all over the floor, mixed with 3/4 of a can of baked beans. The fridge had expelled all it's food. The cupboards opened and pushed out their food, too, then shut again. It was as though the spaghetti and macaroni pasta had done something wrong and been kicked out, or put in the other room and told to 'think about what they'd done wrong'. In all seriousness, everything was everywhere. Even the clothes horse had shimmied and fallen into the crap on the floor. I still haven't cleaned out the broken bowl from the top drawer, which also has black pepper all through it.

The huge (seriously huge, no one can lift it) TV fell face forward and landed on Addi's quilt where she plays*... The bookcase with photo frames, dvds, incense and Elves, fell onto Addi's exersaucer- where she exersauce's, of course. My laptop slid off the couch and landed on my feet, I didn't even realise til I went back later on and put 2 and 2 together.

My drawers all fell open and hit my bed, broke that, which in turn broke other things. Everything, mostly, fell over in Addi's room. I took things off the walls just to be safe. I packed our bags. We waited on the road for 3-4 hours for her dad to come 'save us'- in reality he kind of did. My house had no power or water, nor did his but for some reason I needed him. He is afterall, the other half of my daughter's DNA...

So he turned up and said we were leaving the city for good ol' Ohoka, where his bosses house is, that had power and water and wasn't damaged. My dad turned up on his bike and was a bit shell-shocked to say the least. He went and checked out my place and understood I didn't feel safe there as he experienced some aftershocks while up there. We didn't have enough petrol to get to Ohoka, so ended up going to his house (for 9 days). Leaving the CBD, he decided it was a good idea to drive TOWARDS it (I guess at that point we were actually planning on leaving CHCH). I saw smoke, and fire engines, and more smoke. I saw helicopters with water buckets and heard more screaming and alarms.

We've all been in one room and it's been cramped. We've had no water, or barely any, every now and again. Power came on not long ago but all that means is that there are lights and a jug. The TV has been on but mostly for news- which is hard to watch as it's literally down the road from my house. For the first time in over 6 months I slept in his bed. It was really strange; really, really strange.

For now, Addi and I've moved in to my dads house. I don't feel safe at 'home' and am meant to be moving in 2 weeks so BRING IT ON.

This post isn't really projecting how I'm feeling, at all. It's just updating you on what's been happening.

When I can find the words; you will see them.

*did play.

Shivers

At night, in the silence, I pitter patter into miss Addi's room to watch her sleep. Just after I've brushed my teeth, washed my face and put my jarmies on; I watch. I get shivers and it's like Christmas Mornings in the 90's, all over again.

I love when she wakes up in the morning, all "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and smiley. I love unwrapping her and watching her face go all funky, her arms go above her head, her toes point at me.

I kind of love how the pants that once seemed 'waaaay too big' are now snug (on her, AND I... errr haha), and the tops that were once worn as dresses are now just tops.

I don't love the scratching and my constant "DON'T SCRATCH" comments.

I hate that her dad is missing out. I also hate that one day I'll be blamed.

I love the excitement of moving house, to just around the corner but to somewhere so different. I can't wait to bathe with her and watch her swim and get water over everything, to watch her crawl on the grass... Ahhh it's all happening so fast.

Addi is now 23 (I think?!) weeks and is saying Nannan and Mumma although who knows if she knows what they mean. Either way I think they sound so beautiful.

Oh my girl. I hope one day you feel this way, about a boy, a baby, a cat, anything. It's the best. xxx

Sort of irrelevant things

Most nights, around this time (12am), things get strange. I get hungry, wired, and I get the faintest of chills down my spine as I remember things from not that long ago.

I remember the nights in town and the stumbling home, the 2 hours of sleep and waking up spewing my guts out. I remember exes and I remember abuse. I remember abuse from a lot of places actually. I remember Westport, I remember the beach and the bodyboarding from 10am-10pm. I remember having a tan... And I remember having people around me all the time. I remember enjoying it.

I have flashbacks to primary school and I pray you never have to go through what I did. Primary, intermediate, high school, home; anywhere. I pray to every single star and anyone who can hear me, that you don't ever experience things I have. I hope that school teaches you maths, English, art and all things fun. I pray you don't get swept up in the bullying and the tears, the bruises and late nights crying and shaking over going back the next day. I trust that I will protect you from ANYONE who ever tries to hurt you, ever.

The anger I have inside me is too much to bare most days. It's locked away in me somewhere. The anger towards my 'teachers' at school and in life, the anger towards my 'friends' who were anything but, the MORON who did me over and emotionally abused me for my high school years...

I have no regrets Addi and I don't want you to have any either. They mean nothing, they just weigh you down. At nights I feel heavy because things go through my head that are locked up, things that I don't want to think about... But they are there. One day they will go, I suppose. But nonetheless, regrets are pointless. I think if I could 'go back', with knowing what I know now, I would have done things differently. Although when you are in the moment at 15 you don't have the insight of yourself 5 yrs later as a mother...

I have promised you I will hold you but I won't hold on; and that will stand as long as I do. I have promised you many things, that I know I can keep. No one has ever promised me anything and stuck with it, but I am a woman of my word.

I have trust for absolutely no one, apart from you. And even you will break it, but it won't be malicious it will be something like "Mummy told me not to tell you"; but even that makes me think I'm not the type of parent who would tell my girl not to say something...

Anyway.

You bring me joy Addi. You push that anger back further and further. You fill me to the brim with love and sugarness and sickly sweet lovey dovey feelings. Sometimes my knees go weak when I hold you and I'm scared I might bite you, just a wee nibble on the ear... Just.. a.. bit...

I did bite your cheek the other day, gently of course, but it's so god damn gorgeous. I couldn't help myself.

I've also licked your head.

Thanks for letting me vent on your page, sweetness. You have no choice in the matter but I know one day you will say "That's okay mummy".

Everything's okay.

one year

This time one year ago I was at your dads house.

I had just told him about you, after 12 hours of sheer panic and me getting used to the idea I was going to be a mum; going to be part of something bigger than me for the first time in my life.

I hid under the duvet and said "I'm not having the surgery anymore..." which I was due to have in 5 days. He said "Why not?" while he kept his gaze on the tv. I said quickly, "Because I'm pregnant."

I cried, in fear of what he was going to say or do. He told me not to cry. He then cried for four hours straight.

Part of me, well, majority of me was wondering whether I could hack the parenting gig; ever. No matter what age I was or who I was with, we always ask ourselves whether we are ready.

Some people told me I couldn't do it and that "_______'s are the hardest" and "I couldn't have done it without _______" and "it's not a walk in the park". I was relieved it wasn't a walk in the park because I didn't like walking in parks anyway, really- not at least until you came along. No one had any faith in me; but I had so much in myself and you, which is why Faith is your middle name.

I had people phoning, emailing, texting and knocking on the door trying to break me down and tell me things to change my mind. Those people even got to my real supporters and had them in doubt for a bit too- which I obviously got past.

My morning sickness lasted until 20+ weeks, and if people were coming over in the morning I'd have to say "after 10" because I was a mess/throwing up until about then. The earlier people came over, the more I was sick. Some showed sympathy, others* told me "it's what you wanted" and carried on being jerks.

I ended up being alone majority of the pregnancy, for reasons I don't want you to know about until you are old enough, but just know it hurt mummy very much. How I would have loved to have a massage, to have someone love me and you equally, to have my dinner cooked or dishes done, to have the vacuuming done or the shower cleaned... To have the rogue undies pulled out of the washing machine (I had to buy some tongs as you were in the way, and I couldn't reach in), to have my sheets changed and aired.... ANY of the above.

The first 9 months of your existence were painful-as though someone had put tar on the bottom of my shoes and rocks in my 'frontpack'- more every day. My leg hair grew like fluff instead of wires, and I got a fine 'fuzz' on my arms. Stretch marks were exciting; they were proof this was real. I grew 2cm in height, for the first time in 6 years and now have horizontal stretchies on my lower back. My feet and ankles turned into pig trotters and I couldn't find the bones. I got carpal tunnel in my wrists/arms; which meant I got pins and needles when I lay in the wrong position and they hurt a LOT. I knew all these things would end, and most did, apart from the stretchies ;)

I bought some moccasins as my feet were pretty much paddles. They no longer fit me. They would probably only fit my grandad.

I was told I couldn't do 'it'; because I don't ever stick with anything, like school or jobs (which is not true). But what parent in their right mind doesn't stick with their baby?... Really?! It's not just me, it's all parents. No one leaves their baby. No one just gives up, and I don't give up on anything I just know when to let go. The person who told me I never stick with anything obviously didn't think that through because I 'stuck with him' through a lot. So, there.

I have been all over this Earth. I have loved, and lost. I have been drunk and experimented with one type of drug. I have stolen things and put things back in the wrong place. I have cried rivers and smiled so hard it hurt. I've worn clothes too tight and too loose and my hair has been in some strange ways. I've been on a boat, a bus, a bike, a plane, rollerskates, ice skates, and I love driving. I've done things, had no regrets. I've been cut open, and I've been sewn shut. I've had my heart broken and ached for days. I live for the burnt colours of Autumn and happiness of Spring, especially now it's your birthday in Spring. I've worn high heels for weeks of my life and that is enough. I've fallen in love too easily and taken too long for recover.

I have never been kissed at midnight on the 01/01. I don't watch enough sunrises or sunsets. I haven't been kissed in the rain. I've never really been loved by a man, who knows exactly who I am and appreciates me.

My god, I've done enough. I don't yearn to drink or want to pawn you off to someone else. I miss you too much when I leave you. I can easily be a social butterfly but I don't like it, I would rather be here in case you woke. You are my life, my job, my everything. I put my all into you because I have no where else to put my energy, and I wouldn't have it/want it any other way.

There are things on my bucket list, there are a few of them up there. Nothing major, but raising a child was and IS in bold on my list. So I'm getting there. Albeit I am doing it pretty much alone but it can still be done and I get to take all the credit for you, beautiful. ;)

You are more than a line on a list, you're more than a line on a stick too and I knew that from the beginning. It is a pity no one else did but we all do now.

My noo, my shineef, my Peach, my fingwang, my fong, my fairnoosh... My baby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9-7xcfQLFs

* = idiots

First Day of Your 4th Month

... went well.

We didn't do anything fabulous today; but we did love each other. We did hold hands. You smiled at me and put up with my kisses.

You were on your tummy this afternoon and you pulled your wee knees up and your bum went into the air, you did it more than once and I got it on video. I am so proud of you. Now I can run around after you, I can learn from you and teach you things.

You are growing so fast, Addikins. You still smell amazing and your fingernails are still like bloody razors but that's okay, I'm good at cutting them down.

I wish I didn't have this vertigo. I wish I was fully 'onto it' and that I could lean down to pick you up without wanting to be sick. But this will pass.

We will do something super special when I'm better. We might go to the beach one hot day and put your wee feet in, or go to the park and let you see the ducks again, or just lay in bed and look at each other- until you start getting grumpy ;)

Today went well. Tomorrow will be just as good, and so will you be.

p.s to those who ask me if Addi's a 'good baby'- get off it. All babies are good!!! Good isn't even... ok.. not getting into this.

4 Months

Today, my precious angel, you are 4 months.

Today is no different than the days just passed, but a month ago you were 3 months... 1 month today, you will be a whole 4 weeks older.

We are going by days and weeks, months and stages. I can so easily wait for it to change to years... So easily. Don't grow too fast baby!

You will probably be eating FOOD soon and milk will be but a 'bit on the side' like our salads or mashed potato.

I know you so well, I'm learning more about you every day. You know exactly who I am but not how I work- just that I am there. Which must be a very nice feeling... I remember it.

I promised and I still do, that I will always be here for you. I promise to hold you but not hold on to you.

You are asleep and this isn't the best post of the year but there are so many months left to make up for that. We will do something fabulous today baby girl, and if its 'just getting a laugh out of you' then so be it- you light up my world.

Happy 4 months my big girl (:( eeek). I am so proud of you; of us.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello 2011

Nice to meet you 2011, I know your brother; 2010, and your sister 2009. She's a bit of a sneaky character, getting me pregnant in her final month. And 2010 is super duper sneaky for making me find out I was, the way I did. 2009 helped me move out into my first flat; alone. 2009 also taught me a lot about myself.

Well, 2010. He taught me patience, taught me pain. He taught me heartache and realisation. He taught me life lessons in romance, family, and parenting. He shaped me. He made me huge and he kept my Peach inside me until she was ripe.

He made me content and complete. For now ;).

I'm slightly suspicious that you, 2011, will shape me even more. I don't want to get 'big' (ha) again until I at least meet 2016, or until I meet Mr Right. I don't want to be heartbroken again so don't even go there big boy.

Please make sure my family are healthy and all make it to 2012. Your brother kept me and my Peach alive so you just keep at it. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours- got it?

Happy New Year everyone.

Addi is sharing my bed again tonight.

x